Trivial pursuit

Last week I received an e-mail, disguised as a press release, informing me that Michael Vick’s dog fighting sentence clearly means abortion should be outlawed. \nI never would have made this brilliant connection by myself. But because I am always looking for ways to gain more press credibility, I decided to try my hand at emulating this news wire’s superior reasoning skills by making equally well-thought-out correlations between other important news topics from this past week. \nThe week’s most compelling story was America’s increasing waistline. Obesity rates increased in 31 states last year and decreased in none, according to data released by the nonprofit disease prevention agency Trust for America’s Health. Nineteen states now have obesity rates of more than 25 percent, up from 14 states last year. \nThough we’re staying at home to sit around, we’ve been active on the other side of the globe. Due in large part to our efforts to fight Taliban insurgency, more Afghanis have been staying home to farm opium. The country’s production of the drug reached an all-time high this year, up 34 percent from its all-time high last year. \nPerhaps this sounds like bad news because we’re helping to fuel a dangerous black market, but I see it as the solution to our obesity epidemic. Who ever heard of getting the munchies from heroin? If we replaced, say, half of our food production industry with opium trade and promoted the drug as a healthy alternative to alcohol and marijuana, I’m sure we’d see a reduction in our nation’s collective waist size. \nIn food news, the Federal Trade Commission failed in its attempt to block the $565 million merger of the natural-foods chains Whole Foods Market and Wild Oats Market on the basis that the merger would decrease competition. Apparently some judicial branch employee was intelligent enough to realize that the chains didn’t usually have branches in the same cities, but that’s not why this event is important. \nIt is important because now that Big Organic is taking over food (which will assist all that opium in making us healthier), we’ll have to take our penchant for engineering genetic mutations to other objects, such as shoes. While shopping in Houston, a reader of the popular internet blog Boing Boing spotted pairs of “Cruggs,” the unfortunate result of a footwear-mating between Crocs and Uggs. \nPresident Bush made an equally charming connection when he pointed to Vietnam as a reason to stay in Iraq. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales stood up for him by resigning, walking out in hopes of still maintaining a relationship with something that once had lunch with dignity. \nBush is looking for potential appointees to the empty position, and I have no doubt they are jumping at the chance to fulfill such an honor. \nBut snark mostly aside, I say this all should circle back to Michael Vick, probably the second-most-hated man in America, and Bush should make him Attorney General for the year instead of allowing him to hang around prison.