Sink the Quiz

Last week, a group of researchers released their findings about the “Thirsty Thursday” drinking habits of 3,341 volunteer undergraduates. \nThe study, published in the journal “Alcoholism: Clinical & Experimental Research,” found that about half of students who had late or no Friday classes drank on Thursday nights, but only one-third of students drank who had classes at or before 10 a.m. Furthermore, two-thirds of those drinkers with late or no Friday classes consumed a “binge amount” of alcohol. \nThe study’s lead author, University of Missouri-Columbia Professor Philip K. Wood, whose name will soon become one of the most popular on campuses nationwide, released the findings with this advice for colleges: Reduce drinking by requiring mandatory classes to be held Fridays before 10 a.m. \nWe applaud this advice. We also applaud students who go to bed every night at 9 p.m., who have never used a drug in their lives to keep them up and who stay alert through pre-10 a.m. lectures. \nBut just as these students are few and far between, so are the ones who would blindly reform their habits if they were forced into Friday morning zombie-drudgery. \nOur primary complaint with Wood’s suggestion is that students partying away their college experience aren’t the only ones living nocturnal lives. College students in general are insomniacs – not because we’re out binge drinking, but because our bodies don’t want to sleep until the clock returns to single digits. \nThat insomnia is the reason 8 a.m. classes aren’t popular in the first place. While the students forced into early Friday classes who were up late drinking the previous night might learn about the power of hangovers, the ones who were up until 3 a.m. studying are unlikely to learn anything because they’re so tired. \nBut not only would requiring such classes punish students who didn’t do anything wrong, it would “solve” drinking by replacing it with other substance abuse. \nWood’s advice hangs on the notion that a 17 percent cut in drinking is an end-all be-all good thing. And if “staying up late drinking” and “going to bed early and being sober and alert in class the next day” were the only options, he might be right. \nForcing students not to drink, however, neither changes their moral views about altering their minds nor – as we said before – makes them go to bed early. What’s likely to be the result of these mandatory morning classes, then, would be an upsurge in the use of stimulants such as Adderall to compensate. And a greater availability of those drugs would lead to an even greater distribution as students realize how popular and widely available it is. \nEven those who don’t want to resort to illegal means of curing their tiredness are likely to compensate via a lot of caffeine, possibly an even less healthy alternative. \nThe only way an administration could safely discourage the “Thirsty Thursday” tradition would be to convince college students drinking isn’t cool. There’s a better chance of Philip Wood being the next Dave Matthews.