If I did it: Harry Potter style

The world has been Harry Potter-nized, and the next installments are rapidly approaching.\nFor those illiterate folk who don’t read no good books, “Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix” opens in theaters Wednesday. But for those educated, sophisticated individuals, the last book, “Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows,” is set to be released in the U.S. on July 21.\nEver since my O.J. Simpson reference last week, I can’t get him out of my mind. This led me to his manuscript “If I Did It,” a story where he tells the world how he would have murdered his wife and her friend if he were to do it.\nSo here is an excerpt from my manuscript – “If I Did It – Harry Potter Style.”\nAuthor’s Note: The events written below are completely fictional. Mike Abrams is not affiliated with Harry Potter, nor is he in any way linked to Harry’s potential death in the seventh book in the corresponding series.\nIt is a dark night in the forest just outside Hogwarts. Harry is off searching for Lord Voldemort when he comes across a dark creature. Grasping his wand, he screams, “Who goes there?”\n“My name is Mike Abrams,” I say. “I’m a columnist for the Indiana Daily Student. I was just coming to see if you died sometime during this book.”\n“I’m still alive obviously,” Harry retorts. “But you cannot know the secret ending of this book, so you must die.”\nHarry grabs for his wand but pauses when he hears a man yelling, “Dump, dump!”\nOne thing Harry doesn’t know is that I live by the wisdom of Golden State Warriors guard Stephen Jackson, who once said, “Where I come from, (when someone yells ‘dump’) that means pull out your gun and shoot.”\nNaturally, I grab my 9 mm and fire a perfect shot, hitting Harry’s wand. It soars high in the air and lands right at my feet.\nHarry yells, “Ron, Hermione! Help!”\n“I thought the greatest wizard of all time wouldn’t need help from his friends,” I retort. “Either way you’re out of luck. Ron is at his GED graduation since he flunked out of Hogwarts, and Hermione is in Vegas marrying that Krum guy. It’s just me and you.”\nAs I held Harry’s wand, I realized that not only is it useless in my hands, but that killing Harry does me no good. Instead I think-\n“What do you want with me?” Harry says, interrupting my thoughts. “You can’t kill me with your gun.”\n“Who said I want to kill you?” I say with a smirk. “Killing you does nothing for me. I have dreams of continuing your legacy after you finish school. Furthermore, there aren’t enough child therapists in America to help downplay your death. I want you alive.”\n“So what do you want me to do?” Harry asks.\n“I want you to get rid of J.K. Rowling,” I demand. “She’s just holding you back, and she’s likely going to kill a few of your friends, and possibly you, in this book. The wizard world is fragile, and you are the cornerstone of its stability. Without you, no one cares about wizards and witches. Your kind will go back to being bad guys in movies. You don’t want that, do you?”\n“No, that would be terrible,” Harry says. “I’m just starting to get facial hair, \nand this hero gig is working for me. I’ll go along with \nyour plan under one condition: I want you to take me to L.A. and introduce me to Mary Kate Olsen. I’ve had a crush on her since the Dursleys made me suffer through ‘New York Minute.’ What an awful movie.”\n“I’ll do my best,” I respond. “She’s a good date too, since she skips dinner and goes straight to the movies.”