Monopoly: Paris edition

It was a real life Monopoly game. Paris Hilton was put in jail for violating probation on drunk driving the car playing-piece. Then she landed on Daddy’s community chest and got a “Get Out of Jail Free” card – at least for a day.\nThen she rolled double fives twice and landed herself right back in jail. And rightfully so.\nSince the publicity spectacle ended on her trip back to jail, what does the ever-popular media diva do to stay popular on the outside while locked up in the inside? \nShe does an interview with Barbara Walters.\nSo here I am, ready to interpret from an intellectual standpoint the insightful quotes from the Walters-Paris interview.\nThe interview started with the basic “how are you” question, which Paris answered simply by saying, “I feel as if I’m a different person. I’ve dropped my appeal. I don’t want to cause any more problems.”\nNo more problems from Paris? What is E! going to cover? What am I going to write about? Don’t do this to us, Paris!\nNext she talked about why she was medically released. She said, “I was not eating or sleeping. I was severely depressed and felt as if I was in a cage.”\nUm ... duh, stupid. Prison is supposed to feel like a cage. That’s the point of being locked up. But more importantly, when did Paris start eating?\nHowever, Paris has changed. Prison is making her a new woman.\n“I’m not the same person I was,” she said. “I used to act dumb. It was an act. I am 26 years old, and that act is no longer cute. It is not who I am, nor do I want to be that person for the young girls who looked up to me.”\nI remember that when I was an easily influenced young kid, I always strived for my role models to possess that intangible quality of having the privilege of serving time.\nBut Paris continued by saying, “I know now that I can make a difference, that I have the power to do that. I have been thinking that I want to do different things when I am out of here. I have become much more spiritual. God has given me this new chance.”\nAnd I agree. A higher being has given her a new chance. Burger King was never a good fit for her. She’s more of a Taco Bell spokesperson. I mean, she already owns the dog. It’s a fresh start for Paris, and I say forget BK and what we crave. I’m ready for Fourthmeal at the Bell.\nParis then talked about whom she wanted to help and such. But what followed was shocking: Paris got biblical on us. She said, “My spirit or soul did not like the way I was being seen, and that is why I was sent to jail.”\nNo, Paris. You were sent to jail because you violated probation. If life were based on karma, prison wouldn’t be enough punishment for all the stunts you’ve pulled. \nOf course, no Paris interview can be complete unless her physical appearance is discussed at least once. But remember, Paris has changed. She said she hasn’t looked in the mirror since she got to prison.\nThat’s good, Paris. I’m proud you are trying to learn from this experience. But I have to make one small request: Don’t quit your crazy antics. That’s what got you your popularity, and if you lose them then you have nothing but millions of billions of dollars to console the pain.\nThey say money can’t buy friendship. But it sure as hell can buy you a real-life game of Monopoly, and she’s well on her way to winning the game.\nShe already owns the hotels