Editor's note: Mike Abrams is a junior majoring in business. His weekly sports column 'Straight Bidness' is featured every Thursday in the sports section.
Think back a few weeks. You were at Kilroy’s when the police came and you got arrested to be brought in for questioning. A few days later you were convicted for public indecency and you landed yourself in an Indiana state prison.\nFast forward to today. You are being transported to your jail cell and you offer your hand to your new cell mate as a sign of friendship and loyalty.\nWhen he doesn’t shake your hand, what are you thinking? Does he not want to be your friend or does he want the touching to be less like a handshake and more just a shake? Both are realistic thoughts, but the truth is that your cell mate can’t shake your hand because he’s not allowed.\nUnder a new directive from the Indiana Department of Correction, handshakes in an Indiana state prison are not allowed for fear of transmitting deadly viruses or germs. \nDepartment of Correction Commissioner J. David Donahue recommended that inmates use a gentle “knuckle knock” or a “fist bump.” This idea was taken from Oklahoma as an idea to cut down on the spread of illnesses in prisons. \nAny prisoner who is confused can refer to one of the informational posters being placed in the prisons that explain how properly to greet and salute another inmate by “giving pound.” \nYes, Indiana taxpayers are paying for posters to be put up concerning how to “show some love.” Putting up these posters is like putting up ones that show inmates how to pee in the urinals – they know how to do it. The poster is just to help perfect technique.\nEven though I am personally proud this state is worrying about the health of even the deadliest of criminals in our prisons, I am skeptical of the recommendation. \nAre our political leaders really trying to prevent illness or are they just trying to spice up the world by requiring up-to-date greetings? Am I going to see President Bush “knuckle knocking” or “fist bumping” former British Prime Minister Tony Blair? And if so, why stop at the greetings and salutations? Let’s expand this concept to all things.\nI say we switch the striped jumpsuits prisoners wear, since they are way out of style. We should swap them with leopard-skin jumpsuits or maybe even just white jumpsuits. Of course, the white jumpsuits can only be worn until Labor Day, because after that they would be fashionably unacceptable.\nI say we upgrade the presidential limo from a regular limo into a Hummer H2 limo. Inside, the limo needs flat-screen TVs measuring at least 25 inches with Xzibit’s music videos playing, along with an Xbox 360, a computer and a navigation system. The same can be done to Air Force One.\nI say we make the presidential election race a reality TV show where the candidates are voted off by the fans until we have a winner. Not only would it be trendy, it could increase voter turnout.\nI say we give children at schools Gatorade to drink instead of milk.\nAnd most importantly, I say we leave the college kids alone and let them be to enjoy their four (maybe five) years of freedom. \nI don’t want to be arrested, and I pray that I am never put in prison. But if I ever am arrested (for, let’s say, tax evasion or insider trading) at least I will know one thing – when I extend my hand to my new cell mate serving time for murder and he doesn’t shake it, it’s not because he wants me to be his ... good friend. It’s because he can’t.
