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Tuesday, May 28
The Indiana Daily Student

Spring has sprung

Spring is here again – and I’m hunkered in my apartment with the blinds drawn, trying to ignore it. But I can still hear it out there – birds twittering, basketballs dribbling, passers-by chatting amiably – like some sort of cloying siren, demanding I be like everyone else and join in the fun. “I’m spring,” it says, “I’m bright and happy – why don’t you love me?” Blech. Spring makes me sick. \nYou’re probably thinking, “How could anyone dislike spring?” Well, here are few reasons:\n• Sunlight. Besides the fact that unprotected exposure, over a long period of time, can kill you – or, at least, make you look like Robert Redford – there are all sorts of reasons a normal college student should see sunlight as the enemy. For one thing, by sneaking past window shades, curtains, etc., it tries to wake you up before noon. You wouldn’t take that from a roommate – why let spring off the hook? Then, it makes the world look bright and wonderful – always while you’re cramming for a test, struggling through a paper, nursing a hangover, recovering from being dumped, sick or otherwise of a contrary opinion. This is its way of mocking you – because spring hates you. (Winter hates you too, but at least by making temperatures unbearably cold, it’s upfront about it). \n• Spring evangelists. “It’s such a nice day – go outside!” “No.” “C’mon.” “No.” “C’mooonnnn!” Does fall or winter ever recruit people to pester you on their behalfs? No. I rest my case. \n• Hotties. Every year, spring comes and skin follows. Which is nice – if you’re attractive. If you’re marginally attractive, you face all sorts of pressure to become more so. For the rest of us, it’s just another not-so-subtle reminder about how we’re going to die alone. \n• Traffic. Spring always makes the local traffic worse – partly because people are inspired to walk and bike. Which I could sympathize with (if not empathize with – see “Sunlight” above) if not for all the folks dashing across busy streets in front of my car; or the bicyclists running stop signs, or weaving back and forth so you can’t pass them, or struggling up hills with narrow roads and no bike lanes. (I’m in favor of bike lanes – but, until they’re installed, I would think a Darwinian concern for self-preservation would make this last behavior far less common than it is.) However, what’s worse is that it inspires the people to drive who really shouldn’t. The people in convertibles who talk on cell phones while their stereos blare and their friends stand in the back hooting and waving their arms, poised to tumble out given a sharp enough turn. Again, nice to know that Darwin’s on the job – I just wish he left me out of it. \nWhat’s that you say, it also means classes are almost over? That’s right – bringing you that much closer to joining the world of temporary jobs and nine-to-five cubicle farms. Yes, oh happy spring.

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