Shabby to fabby

The heterosexuals are brought in – blindfolded. \nClutching desperately to a gay dude, they waddle into their newly redecorated room. Before telling them to open their eyes, the gay waits a few moments – to build suspense, heighten the moment and apply a self-tanner. \nFinally, it’s time. \n“Wow,” the couple screams, their amazement bigger than most hernias. “This is amazing!”\n“Oh look, Kenneth! They framed that moist towelette we used on our first date at Smokey Bones!”\n“I know,” the husband says. “And they took that pile of crap we had just laying there and put it away. Golly, the gays are so innovative.”\nThe host does a cartwheel.\n“Bye, bitches! See you next time on ... ‘Queer Veneers’!”\nHomos and home-makeover shows. The two have become an unstoppable pair. From “Design on a Dime” to “Top Design,” from the “Queer Eye” faces to “Trading Spaces,” gay men have become renowned for their interior decorating – taking rooms from shabby to fabby. \nWhy is it, then, that we haven’t begun applying these skills to our culture’s morality? With gay-pride festivals oozing with sexual impropriety, and “Queer as Folk” promoting casual polygamy, there’s a desperate need for remodeling. \nBut is the fabric of gay society too difficult to reupholster? Or is it that, although we’re good at refurbishing antique mirrors, we’re afraid to actually look into them – to see our community’s smudged reflection.\nThe question remains: When will we remodel ourselves?\nThe Miss Gay IU pageant exemplifies the pressing need for such renovation. The pageant can be fixed with a few simple steps. \n• Step 1: Redesign the name.\nCall it “Miss Man-Woman IU.” Call it “The Crimson Tranny.” Whatever the change, the title needs to be switched – because it doesn’t make sense. Transvestites and gay people are not the same thing. Plus, the juxtaposition between “Miss” and “Gay” suggests that the two are inextricably linked when, in fact, there is nothing emasculating about being homosexual. \n• Step 2: Clean up the garbage.\nI’m kosher with transvestite talent shows. You want to duct-tape your pistachios and twirl a baton? Groovy. I’m there. However, the show is an embarrassment. Rather than having the performers behave civilly, as actual “ladies,” they strip and allow audience members to tuck dollar bills into their glittery undergarments. Tacky. \n• Step 3: Repair the hypocrisy.\nTen percent of the proceeds go to AIDS prevention. Great, I say! Thumbs up. Oh, but wait. It seems as if we’ve forgotten where AIDS comes from. \nIn the 1980s, the epidemic spread because of blatant hypersexuality. Granted, there was poor contraceptive education, but orgies didn’t help. And now, these back-up dancers undulate in just their underpants – shaking their asses like Simply Lemonade – miming the same hypersexual behavior that caused the disease to initially spread. Counter-intuitive, gentlemen. \nHopefully, in time, this show will have gotten a full, queer makeover.