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Thursday, March 28
The Indiana Daily Student

Presidential ass-pirations

Warning: This column was written under the influence of cultural food – soul food, to be exact. A full belly of catfish and collard greens (and six beers) may be the source of any insight or libel to follow. Readers should interpret the author’s words accordingly.\nOh, Newt Gingrich, you crazy guy. You’re so full of love. What will you do next? First it was the Republican “Contract with America” in 1994, a revolution led by Gingrich himself, who, after the Republicans took the congressional majority, became speaker of the House. Then, our old friend Newt – whose cousin happens to be the Geico gecko – led the charge to impeach Bill Clinton for getting his presidential freak on in the Oval Office. Newt, under the normal duress of expected Republican hypocrisy, was himself involved in an extramarital affair while he spoke against Clinton’s own personal shortcomings.\nGosh, Newt, you’re such a kidder. What a nice Christian man you are! The conservatives of this nation are lucky to have you as a prominent spokesman and potential presidential candidate.\nDon’t worry, lovers of traditional ideals. Newt is back on the prowl, speaking full of fervor, ready to tackle the most important issue facing our nation. \nWhat’s that important issue, you ask? Gingrich, surrounded by the whitest of the white, the National Federation of Republican Women, recently denounced the usage of bilingual education in the United States. According to Gingrich, bilingual education should be replaced with “immersion in English so people learn the common language of the country and they learn the language of prosperity, not the language of living in the ghetto.”\nHmm. English is the language of prosperity? Makes sense. After all, the British use the language in such a prosperous manner that they’ve been reduced to being captured by Iranians on the high seas. Bilingualism is furthermore the language of “the ghetto,” according to Gingrich. Seems accurate. Most homeless and otherwise disadvantaged people usually seem to speak German or French. Dirty Eurotrash, anyway.\nNewt is such a crusader – a man to be modeled in all regards – I decided to sit down with him. Here’s an excerpt:\nMe: Hola! Buenos dias.\nNewt: Please speak American. \nMe: Sorry, I was just asking if you wanted some crack. I got it in the ghetto.\nNewt: No, I wouldn’t. Do you have any amphetamines?\nMe: No. I think Rush Limbaugh might.\nNewt: Good. All these cultures mixing together and having respect for each other is making me sick. I need a hit.\nMe: Let’s talk straight. You equated bilingual education with the language of the ghetto. What exactly did you mean?\nNewt: I said that? Wow, I must have been really high!\nAnd that’s how the interview ended. Is he admitting he’s nothing more than a drug fiend and no better than the people he so adamantly hates? OK, so maybe that’s a little far-fetched.\nBut it still sounds like he needs some good nurturing to set him on the right path, not to mention a hot, home-cooked meal. Might I recommend some soul food? That always gets you thinking clearly.

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