People don’t change

People disappear from our lives all the time. Think of that friend from home who promised to keep in touch but now won’t return your e-mails. Think of your first boyfriend or girlfriend who you truly believed you would stay with forever. As you watched these people slip through the cracks of your life, did you find comfort in telling yourself that they changed?\nPeople don’t change. We tell ourselves that people change because it’s easier than believing that they simply continue to revert back to who they really are.\nIn my writing classes we learn that when you give a character a scene or piece of dialogue, if his or her actions don’t line up with the character’s previous practices then it is unrealistic writing – no matter how romantic or noble the moment may be. Certain traits, located within people, tend not to stray.\nA romantic partner who is cold and distant will not suddenly spill his or her heart out to you, no matter how many times you set the mood with candles and Celine Dion. A friend who has consistently been disloyal will not heroically come through for you in the fantasy you imagine. I am terminally messy and no matter how many times I tell myself I will clean my room, the fact remains that flies are still circulating my Easy Mac leftovers from three weeks ago and there is still a heap of laundry that hasn’t been washed since October that I trip over every time I leave my desk.\nIn my group of girlfriends, if we feel abandoned by a certain member of our group then we revert to cattiness and talk mercilessly behind that person’s back. The primary topic is how much that person has changed. But I think what we really feel is disappointment with the fact that they have actually managed to stay the same. We have merely discovered that for a brief moment in time, we caught a glimpse of something inside of them that we liked more than who they truly are. We had selfishly hoped we could take that piece of fantasy and bottle it up for ourselves, like a firefly in a jar, but ultimately had to let it free. \nI’m not saying this to be discouraging. Sometimes we get lucky enough to meet people who commit to staying involved in our lives forever. But others we meet in passing, such as a who person is on the way to discovering who he or she is or on the way back from pretending to be someone else. For a moment our journeys overlap before we both must continue on our separate ways.\nI have learned that you cannot cling to everyone with whom you have shared these moments. Relationships are not contracts, and since you cannot change people you have to learn to let them stay the same. Sometimes those you have loved the most are the ones you have to let fly away; holding on tight to the faith that the ones who matter will find their ways back.