Online Only: Excuse my French

Amid the always-busy week leading up to spring break, it has dawned on me that I don’t speak a lick of French. Usually this wouldn’t be a problem (it also occurred to me that I don’t speak Arabic), except I’m going to Paris for spring break. \nAll is not lost. I’m meeting a friend who’s been studying in France since January. But I have this phobia we’ll get separated and I’ll never be able to find her, or her dorm, and then I’ll spend the rest of my life playing guitar on the streets for money until I meet a famous French actress-model who falls deeply in love with me and we get married. (Wait, did I say phobia? I meant fantasy.)\nAnyway, in the unlikely event my dream doesn’t come true, I decided to make a list of all the French words I know. However, I then remembered that I didn’t even know how to spell things in French, so my entire list consisted of “we” and “crepe.” After some research I revised “we” into “oui.” (For those who don’t know, “oui” means “yes,” while a “crepe” is a thin pancake.)\nWhatever way you spell it, though, I have a total vocabulary of two words. This could pose a problem. Thinking on the bright side, though, I began to think about all the different meanings these two words could be combined to make.\nFirst, there was “Oui. Crepe.” I plan on using this one often when confirming my order at all the French cafes.\nSecond, there was “Oui! Crepe!” This is what I will yell out when, while walking along the Parisian streets I stumble upon a crepe that someone has left of the sidewalk. (Don’t laugh. You’d be excited too.)\nThird, there was “Oui, Crepe.” While this one may seem similar to the others I have listed, it is clearly not. This is the phrase I plan on using when talking to my new French friend who happens to be named Crepe.\nAfter having made mental note of all of my French phrasing, I began to feel a little bit better about my trip. I mean, I can only think of a handful of unlikely situations in which my vocabulary will let me down.\nHowever, one small flaw occurred to me. When I meet my future wife while street performing under the Eiffel Tower, we will be limited to very few interactions (see above list.)\nThat’s when I decided to really get serious about my French education. Sure, my sister bought me a French workbook for my birthday, and sure there are countless Web sites offering to teach French. But I decided I want to really benefit from a native speaker.\nEnter Pepe Le Pew.\nI mean, he speaks French so clearly even I can understand him. I figure if I can just emulate his speech, I should have no problems wooing my future French bride, right?\nAnyway, I think I already have it down. “Pardon me, madam. You have a nickel to spare, no?”