The island

On any given day I require at least three pounds of Bon Bons, a steady flow of diamond jewelry and a minimum of 24 phone calls. If these needs aren't met I tend to commit random acts of arson. \nBecause ever since the last time I checked, I am a woman. \nAnd "woman" is just a synonym for "high-maintenance." I usually only hear the term "high-maintenance" used in reference to women in heterosexual relationships.\nYou see, a woman requires maintenance like a car or a 17th-century antique musket. Without the proper care and upkeep, your girlfriend will rust and fall apart. If you end up with a high-maintenance chick and you don't have an extended warranty, you're screwed. Trust me, replacement parts will cost you a fortune.\nYour parents always told you that when you get a girlfriend, she's going to be your responsibility. You have to remember to feed her, walk her and give her fresh water every day. No one is going to do it for you if you forget.\nTrying to maintain someone who is "high-maintenance" is simply too much work. Dudes want the opposite: a dream mate who is "low-maintenance." \nIt seems that heterosexual males are looking for a girlfriend they can store in a cool, dry place. She doesn't need attention or even daylight. Just check on her every six to eight weeks to see how much she's grown. \nOr maybe I'm thinking of a mold culture. Mold is the perfect girlfriend.\nBut I don't know anyone like mold -- male or female. Everyone I know requires basic nutrients, interaction with other human beings and cable TV. They're just so needy. \nBut I have heard tales of the fabled low-maintenance people. Gather round, children, while I tell you the story of a dazzling Utopia. All the low-maintenance people live together in a colony on a tropical island. Turquoise waves burst on the shores and the warm breezes smell like cinnamon. But the low-maintenance people really don't care. They'd be just as happy if the waves were sludge-colored and the breeze smelled like raw sewage.\nThe colonists started eating condensed astronaut food until they realized food was altogether superfluous. They even found a way to stop breathing oxygen. \nOnce a ship full of beauticians made a voyage to Low-Maintenance Island on a mission trip to give the colonists manicures and pedicures. The beauticians were attacked and ritualistically sacrificed by the low-maintenance people to their god. There were no survivors. \nVerizon tried to erect a cellular tower on the island, but it was quickly brought down by coconut sling shots. The low-maintenance people don't believe in telephones. All forms of communication are banned. Even the spoken word is forbidden and punishable by death. \nThese people don't need anything. They're durable, weather-proof and come with a lifetime guarantee. They're absolutely perfect. \nI intend to start a business shipping in mail-order brides from Low-Maintenance Island. I'll give you my card.