Seeking a BFF

Everyone needs a BFF. That means "best friend forever." I'm not trying to be condescending. There are some people who don't know what it stands for. I always used to think it meant "big fruit flavor," and that doesn't even make sense.\nA BFF is not just an ordinary best friend. Don't get me wrong: An ordinary best friend is great for slumber parties, pillow fights, telling secrets and planning elaborate heists. But a BFF would take a bullet for you. A BFF would lie to a grand jury for you. A BFF would sit through any Mary-Kate and Ashley movie with you, no questions asked.\nYou know what's even better than having a BFF? Being my BFF. I know there is a pool of highly qualified candidates out there. That's why I'm starting a rigorous selection process. I am now officially accepting applications for the position of BFF. I'm looking for that ideal friend who everyone wants -- someone with lots of money and low self-esteem.\nCould this lucky person be you?\nThe ideal BFF will be good-looking. I'm also seeking someone who is cool, organized, a self-starter, motivated and skilled in the martial arts. Knowledge of Microsoft Excel is a plus.\nThe job description is as simple and golden as true friendship. My BFF would be in charge of: being my friend, protecting me from ninjas, answering my phone, preparing delicious snacks for the two of us to enjoy, organizing weekly Mary-Kate and Ashley marathons, impersonating a crossing guard when the time is right, corresponding with foreign embassies, telling me I'm special, completing various office administration tasks and softly singing me to sleep every night with Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes."\nIf you are chosen as my BFF, you must wear the designated friendship charm bracelet at all times. But don't wear it in the shower because that could disable its embedded GPS tracking device.\nTo apply for the position, send me your resume with references, medical history, a portfolio of past friendship experience and answers to the following essay questions:\nWhat does friendship mean to you? If you had to choose between doing my laundry, doing my homework or cleaning my kitchen, which would you choose and why? What are three methods for erasing your personal identity? Why is it important to keep your BFF pager on at all times? Why would being my BFF be the greatest experience of your life?\nBenefits include a 401(k) plan, stock options and all the lollipops you can eat. Submit applications via e-mail. \nYou will be notified within two weeks if you make it to the final BFF elimination round. Upon notification, you will receive detailed instructions for the last BFF challenge where you will compete against the other finalists for the ultimate prize -- my friendship. Bring shark repellent.