'Crank' it down a notch

I was really excited when I started "Crank." Jason Statham is solid in everything he does; the concept of a guy who needed to keep moving or face death seemed very compelling, and I love a good action movie. What followed over the next 83 minutes (only 83!?) was a boring, contrived and disappointing exercise in patience. \nThe plot, if it can be called that, is based around contract-killer Chev Chelios (Statham) being poisoned by a rival with a "Beijing Cocktail." This cocktail is a lethal mix with effects that can only be slowed down by constantly getting an adrenaline rush, but will eventually work within a time limit that Verona places at an hour. \nIn between is a predictable series of adrenaline-increasing events, including lots of cocaine, sex in Chinatown, a hand in a waffle iron and driving a car through a mall (a rip-off of "The Blues Brothers" that is completely transparent, yet gives no credit to the original). \nThe jokes are lame, the characters one-dimensional and the jump cuts nauseating. The directors used Google Maps to give overhead shots of buildings and don't even bother to take out the Google logo. \nThe film is shot in the same vein as other highly stylized films such as "Natural Born Killers" and "Requiem for a Dream," except this one is awful. Shot on HD video, "Crank" has a completely goofy and unrealistic look. I also have no idea why it is called "Crank," unless the directors' suggestion was that taking meth would be the only way to appreciate it. This film basically looks like two film students who got some money and wanted to show the world all the cool tricks they've learned. How many directors does it take to ruin a fairly good idea for a movie? As the special features show us: Two. \nThe "Crank'd Out" version of the movie is really just a commentary track with the directors in the corner of the screen, which is actually kind of interesting. The commentary is also good for unearthing other gems about this project, most notably that the script took 4 ½ days to write and that the directors are two of the least funny, most stereotypical douche bags in Hollywood. Other special features include a clean version of the movie (I'll never know how they pulled that off), and a music video for some alleged single from the soundtrack.\nAll in all, the special features come up a little short, which makes perfect sense given the film they accompany.