Merry Festivus

The holiday season's in full force, and the general masses are growing all too eager for holidays like Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa, but what is yours truly most excited about, besides blasting Teenage Fanclub's "December"? \nThe answer is Festivus.\nFestivus originated in 1966 from former Reader Digest writer Dan O'Keefe. Thirty-one years later, O'Keefe's son Daniel, a writer for Seinfeld, incorporated this holiday into "The Strike." In this episode, Frank Constanza (Jerry Stiller) recalls how he became overwhelmingly frustrated with the absurdity of Christmas consumerism, so he created an alternative holiday. \n"A Festivus for the rest of us" is to be celebrated December 23 and has three major components: a bare eight-foot aluminum pole, the "feats of strength" and the "airing of grievances." I'm not sure how many people felt so inspired to produce their own Festivus, but I do know that a small faction of kids in Auburn, Ala. will celebrate it for the third time. It's an excellent reason to throw a party!\nAt Auburn's Festivus, the host of the festivities handpicks an adversary for the feats component. This past year, the host defeated my best guy friend, and I was too horrified to watch the spectacle. \nHowever, the airing is by far the most popular component of the celebration. For several minutes, each individual is granted time to unleash any anger from the past year and commence a grudge-free new year. During this time, only he or she holding the pole is granted permission to speak. Often, the individual being grieved upon will attempt a retort, but that person is automatically silenced by others. \nLast year, the grievances toward me were fairly short. This was not because there was nothing to grieve about, but because my group of friends who celebrate Festivus were, at the time, a new addition to my social circle. Most of the Stefania criticisms focused on my vegetarianism and mumbling -- the obvious stuff. This time around, I have a feeling my name will be mentioned more, and that I, too, will feel more inclined to indulge in a couple of rage blackouts. \nBecause I do mumble and I am a far better writer than I am a public speaker, I will write my Top Five global grievances of 2006.\nParis, Britney, Lindsay -- Stop going commando and flashing your goods. Nobody wants to see them. \nEveryone who is suing Borat -- Get over it.\nMischa Barton -- I will never forgive you for being so willing to kill off Marissa so you could get more money. \nPanic! at the Disco -- I really wish you'd go away.\nMel Gibson, Michael Richards -- Dudes, WTF?\nWhile I do love Festivus, I also love Christmas with my family, and the dichotomy of these contradictory holidays brought a refreshing fulfillment to my year. So this holiday season, if you're feeling a bit tired of the monotony that follows it, try Festivus -- gather your closest friends 'round the bare aluminum pole and tell them how much they disappointed you.