Chercher le roommate

Ah, the end of the semester. Time for testing, last-minute cramming and long-overdue sleep. Oh, and don't forget, a convenient opportunity to return that keg tap you've had since homecoming.\nBut the semester's end brings more than mere frightening thoughts of finals and wrapping up loose ends. Sadly, it signifies departure for some.\nThe crew over here on I'm-Not-Telling-You-Where-I-Live Avenue is getting ready to say goodbye to one of our own. Soon, the house that once held two American hot shots, two French maidens and a German nationalistic dictator bent on world domination, will lose its Bavarian brother, leaving behind only the allied forces of the Americans and Frenchies (or is it Freedomies now?).\nLosing a roommate mid-year is hard, especially when that roommate cleans everything. What will we do? Who the hell is going scrub the floor meticulously with a toothbrush or constantly sweep the kitchen? Do you really expect two lazy Americans to prance naked around the house with a broom singing Rammstein songs? Of course not. Such ludicrous behavior is what we've come to know and love about the German people. \nI suppose we can demand that the Frenchies (Freedomies) do our bidding, but we'd just be kidding ourselves. These European lassies really run the show in our house.\nTake, for example, this conversation from a while back:\nMe: Top o' the mornin' to ya!\nFrench roommate: Sacre bleu! (Spits on the ground). You are a swine. \nMe: Thank you very much for giving us the Statue of Liberty. We love it.\nFrench roommate: I don't care. Now, rub my feet!\nHorrible, I know. But cheap rent beats constant chastisement any day of the week.\nWhy else do you think Bill is still with Hillary?\nBut enough political commentary. Let's get to something useful: Finding a new roommate. \nThe French ladies (who are, in reality, very sweet and non-smelly) have asked me to put out the word for a replacement for the German. They'd like respondents to fit particular characteristics, which I will translate given their horribly unintelligible accents. \nRequest: Must be a guy between 24 and 30.\nTranslation: Takes us out for drinks but isn't so old that being around him is embarrassing. That would be like going to the mall with our dad.\nRequest: Tall and handsome with a dark complexion.\nTranslation: Basketball player.\nRequest: Enjoys intelligent, thoughtful and stimulating conversation.\nTranslation: Fan of "Desperate Housewives," but talks only during commercials.\nRequest: Open, fun and willing to share.\nTranslation: Brings his hot single friends over whenever you want. Please make sure they are straight.\nRequest: Outgoing and open to adventure.\nTranslation: Owns a car and is willing to drive us to the store once a week.\nRequest: Has fun but knows his limitations.\nTranslation: Closet alcoholic.\nThat just about wraps it up. The one person left in Bloomington who meets the criteria may contact me at any time. Who knows, I might even rub your feet.