Surviving Thanksgiving

Congratulations if you're reading this. As we both know, many of our fellow students checked out early for Thanksgiving break. Cheers to us nerds who are left over and damn-well planning to be the sole attendee of art history class tomorrow afternoon.\nStill, you are probably headed home in a day or two and are likely aware that extremely awkward situations have great potential to arise. Going back to a place that has probably changed little, while you might have changed a lot, makes for some deeply confusing and obnoxious interpersonal situations. Lucky for you, I'm compelled to address and name a few of these situations, free of charge (though I will expect your crescent roll at dinner).\nAnd you can trust my advice -- Dr. Phil is my sister-in-law. \nBring it:\n1. Overly curious relatives\nIt is likely you will participate in some sort of celebration involving homemade food items with five or 300 of your closest family members. My mother, for example, is one of seven children, all of whom mated like good Catholics. Since then, even some of their kids have mated. So every Thanksgiving, an exponential number of people (aged 2 months to 91 years) turn out for my family's feast. One or two of my aunts and uncles will inevitably ask me if I have a boyfriend. Are you dating anyone? No? Why not? What's wrong with the boys at IU? What's wrong with you, you fat slut? Why don't you try eHarmony.com?\nDealing with these questions isn't easy or fun. What I usually do is answer them calmly and then express feigned confusion about my sexuality. The conversation ends there.\n2. High school peer encounters\nHome is where your heart is. Unfortunately, it is also where some of your high school peers work at the local Bob Evans and where many will come back for the same turkey-killing holiday. If you're like me, you still have a few best friends from that era you would like to catch up with, but otherwise, you'd rather wash Saddam Hussein's cars than run into high school alumni. But you will. And while it will be entertaining for 10 minutes to see who gained 200 pounds, who has five children and who still hangs out at Applebee's on weekends, it will be devastatingly awkward to see these people. \nWhat I usually do is say hello -- and run.\n3. Avoiding energetic children\nBecause of my bizarrely large family, there are certain relatives from the under-10 crowd who still see me as a playmate during family parties. As it turns out, playing billiards games with ever-changing rules, football with tiny plastic figurines and racecar board games are not things I want to do ever in my life -- especially with people who pick their noses and smell like syrup.\nWhat I usually do is ... play anyway. It beats defending the validity of your gender studies major to Uncle Closed-minded.\nYou're on your own with everything else. Good luck and good eating.