'Shrooms with Saddam

I'm an imposter. Don't believe anything I say. \nYou're probably thinking I'm an evangelical Christian who's finally admitting his fascination with freaky male prostitutes -- but I'm not. I'll wait for a more socially crippling time to admit that doozie.\nNo, what has brought about this revelation can be found in the stars or, more precisely, astrology. \nRecently, I was told that I don't act like the Gemini my late May birthday and 10,000 newspapers' daily horoscopes say I should. \nThis all got me thinking about life, absolute truth, moral relativism and making hallucinogenic drugs out of my car's radiator fluid. You know, normal guy stuff. After losing my teeth and having psychedelic conversations with Jerry Garcia and Frank Zappa, I came to a fascinating conclusion: Astrology blows. \nHowever, this revelation won't stop me from making a cheap buck off your vulnerability and ignorance. (Hey, Wal-Mart does it all the time.) The following are real horoscopes that you can take to heart, along with some notable people who share your zodiac sign:\nAries (Kevin Federline): Today, just like every day before this, will be the worst day of your life.\nTaurus (Saddam Hussein): Take time to smell the roses, or at least the mushrooms growing between the cracks in your cell. You might as well just eat the mushrooms now and hope they're poisonous. \nGemini (Scott Leadingham): Don't forget to look behind you. It's like a pack of angry, disheveled and recently out of work elephants are charging right toward you.\nCancer (George W. Bush): Cheer up! If you lose your ball of string, you can always get another one to play with. \nLeo (Bill Clinton): Stay on the treadmill. You'll soon be returning to familiar territory and need to remain in good shape. Don't be afraid to splurge on a box of cigars upon your return.\nVirgo (Michael Jackson): Everyone knows you're weird -- why not admit it? \nLibra (Rutherford B. Hayes): Not a good day at all. Sometimes you feel like you're the most forgotten person in the world -- well, aside from Chester A. Arthur, that is.\nScorpio (Condoleezza Rice): You seek a position of greater power, but are you ready to be paid less than anyone who has ever held that post? \nSagittarius (John Kerry): Situations might require a healthy dose of your foot in your mouth. Try this mantra for a while: Don't screw it up for everyone else in '08!\nCapricorn (Rush Limbaugh): Back off a hard-line position for once. It might be high time to admit you've been living a lie for years.\nAquarius (Dick Cheney): You feel pressed by time. A once-friendly atmosphere is about to get a lot more tense. Things won't be so easy for a few years.\nPisces (Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg): While you feel surrounded by opposites, take comfort in the fact that you are the least feminine of everyone in the group. \nWhatever your sign, remember two things: Don't drink radiator fluid, and Frank Zappa's an asshole.