Everybody spills

Oops, I spilled on myself -- again. By the time you read this, I might have spilled thousands of food items all over my clothes. In the course of a day, I can spill an entire list of things on myself, including nacho cheese, maple syrup, Salisbury steak, Chanel No. 5, and two-thirds of an iced venti mocha chai machiatto frappuccino with an extra shot of albino koala tears.\nFor years I've felt emotions like shame, embarrassment and shame-barassment. People are cruel when you have frozen daiquiri all over your pants. I tell you this because I belong to a special group of people: the spillers. If you are one of those people who can't control food or beverage as it makes the treacherous journey to your mouth, know that you are not alone. It's time to fight. We deserve to be represented in society.\nOne attempt to make spillers feel like stained clothing is acceptable is that detergent is now available in convenient "to-go" form as a pen. You can take it everywhere and write on yourself with detergent every time you experience a food-related accident.\nI'm glad that the spillers' greatest allies, the detergent companies, are trying to make our lives easier, but telling us we need to arm ourselves with methods to erase the stains just exacerbates the shame cycle. Sure, I have a splotch of clam chowder on my shirt in the shape of Winston Churchill's profile, but should I be so ashamed of it that I rush to the bathroom to remove it immediately? No!\nIt's OK -- dare I say cool? -- to have stains on your clothes. Very soon I'd like to see skateboarding kids (the epitome of cool) who have clearly spilled their Go-gurt. I want to see an anchor on the evening news with cranberry sauce on her cranberry lapel. I want children everywhere to play with "I Spilled on Myself" Barbie.\nI'm tired of hearing people complain about Hollywood's unreasonable standards of beauty. Get over it. The real problem is that you never see stains on the clothes of those unobtainable bodies. \nThe media like to pretend nobody out there spills. Spills happen every day, and you never hear about it in the news.\nI can't tell you how many times I've felt disenfranchised by the lack of spill legislation. It wouldn't hurt to start a campaign with government-funded public service announcements to let everyone know that spilling is OK. \nPicture this: A school cafeteria is full of children eating lunch. Suddenly, one child spills chocolate milk on his Oshkosh B'goshes, and the room freezes. Everyone stares. There's a moment of hesitation -- then someone starts the slow clap. The entire cafeteria erupts in cheering, and we zoom in on the chocolate-milk kid. He smiles warmly and gives a thumbs up.\nIf you're especially skilled at eating and drinking, congratulations, but I no longer envy you. And if you do spill, don't stand in the shadows while people with pristine white shirts prance around eating spaghetti marinara on a stick. Stand tall, spillers.