Deathbed of spinach

Aside from unicorns and moist towelettes, the show "Cold Case" is my favorite thing in the world. Every episode is fantastic, so "chillingly" erotic it's like a Popsicle in my pants. \n"What's the show about?" a bloody stranger recently asked me after I physically forced him to watch. "Please tell me ... I just want to go home."\nWell bloody stranger, "Cold Case" is about a female detective with butch hair who investigates "cold cases" -- crimes that have never been solved. \nEnthralled by the premise, I recently decided to investigate a real life "cold case" victim -- Jon Benet Ramsey. \nDetermined to crack the case, I scoured police documents and archives for hours, stopping only briefly to watch "Titanic." From there, I looked at dozens of crime-scene photographs with a high-powered microscope, which I was able to borrow from my urologist. \nFinally, I found a startling clue. It was a letter, postmarked 20 minutes before Ramsey's death. \n"Dear Jon Benet,\nI'm going to kill you in 20 minutes."\nSincerely, \nDebi Chaggsnap\nHmmm. Debi Chaggsnap. Where had I seen that name before? Suddenly, I realized. \nTo be sure, I busted out the Scrabble tiles and rearranged the letters. Sure enough, there it was, the unscrambled name of the Jon Benet's killer:\n"Bagged Spinach." \nFor decades, this devilish murderer went uncharged for some of the most notable deaths of the 20th century. Only now, after the recent arrest of the leafy bandit, are many pieces of overlooked evidence (like the pile of spinach in Princess Diana's glove compartment) being re-evaluated by police. \nThough the vegetable is murderous by the nature of its species, this one showed promise in the beginning, but, considering its rough upbringing, it's easy to see how this once wholesome bag of spinach went rotten. \nThe son of verbally abusive cabbages, Bagged Spinach began a life of torment. His parents degraded him frequently, calling him "ugly" and "a poor source of Vitamin B3." At school, conditions were even worse. His classmates barraged him with a myriad of salad-related slurs, including "Bacon Bitch." \nConsequently, spinach began its spin into leafy madness. The most violent of its rampages has occurred over the last three weeks. \nAccording to The Associated Press, the recent outbreak of spinach-related E. coli has infected more than 187 people, causing one reported death. Grocery stores around the country have now pulled bags from their shelves, for risk of contamination. As a result, many spinach addicts, sent into a whirlwind frenzy over their lack of greenery, have become increasingly violent -- turning the produce department into a virtual bloodbath. \nThis might, strangely enough, be part of Osama bin Laden's masterplan. According to a Sept. 25 CNN.com article, a number of conspiracy theorists suspected a possible plot of "agroterrorism," with an intentional contamination of the food supply. And this plot seems to be working, as Popeye is currently on medical leave from Iraq. \nFortunately, the insatiable killing machine -- this leafy Ted Bundy -- has now been captured. Americans can sleep soundly knowing that this cold, "refrigerated case" is now closed -- as spinach moves from salad bars to prison bars.