Playing Manopoly

Everyone in my sorority is in a relationship," a single friend recently confessed during a game of drunken Monopoly.\n"Yeah, but they're all whores," I said, providing the customary gay best friend response. "Don't worry ... you'll find someone."\nShe shrugged and downed a gnarly shot of Kamchatka vodka, the only remnant from our previous night of drunken pogs. \n"Even if you don't," I added, "Look on the bright side. You'll always have me!"\nSuddenly, she burst out in tears, her sadness forming tiny puddles on a chance card below. When she finally stopped, the card was so flaccid you'd swear it was trying to enter Katie Holmes.\nAs her tears fell down, however, my inspiration for a column went up. To assist all single women, I decided to impart my dating wisdom onto the female masses. After all, who knows more about men than a man who dates men?\nOddly enough, the techniques of finding a man are embedded in the game of Monopoly itself, or as I like to call it, "Manopoly."\nTip #1 -- Take a Chance Card. \nGo outside your comfort zone. If you see a cute guy at Starbucks, accidentally (on purpose) mistake your tall cappuccino for his grande macchiato. When he informs you of the error, accidentally (on purpose) pour the scalding beverage on his face and invite him over to your apartment for burn salve. \nTaking greater chances will most likely yield greater results. Take my latest dating story, for instance. Despite prior anxieties, I decided to pursue an online dating quest. Almost instantaneously, I found the man of my dreams. He was smart, funny, cute and best of all, his uncle wrote "The Brave Little Toaster." \nSo, when you're feeling hopeless, just remember: By taking chances, you may one day have an abbreviated relationship with the nephew of the author of an animated movie involving a courageous kitchen appliance.\nTip #2 -- On the gameboard, and in the bedroom, it's important to advance slowly. \nBefore you let him "pass go," make sure he's willing to invest in your property. Dates, after all, are very similar to properties: the more you have, the better your chances for long-term success.\nFurthermore, you must establish your sexuality as a property of great value. You don't want to be the girl with the "Baltic Avenue" vagina. Establish your panties as guardians of the highly desirable "Park Place." \nTip #3- Take a Ride on the Fag-Hag Railroad. \nIn other words, stop lusting after unstable frat guys and get yourself a trustee homosexual. Aside from fashion quarrels and the occasional loss of your mascara, it will be a relationship you'll cherish forever. \nTrue, he may not be "boardwalking" you down the aisle. But when you start to drift off after a night of drunken board games -- curled up on the couch -- he'll be there to take off your socks, cover you with a blanket and kiss you goodnight. \nAlways.\nThe fact is: Parker Brothers may come and go. But Parker Sisters are for life.