In wrestling's hold

I'm not a TV-watcher, and I'm always amazed by the groans my friends produce when I tell them that I'm watching professional wrestling (well, at least, the friends who have high opinions of me...). To be honest, I never expected to start. It just sort of happened; the only problem is that now, I don't think I can stop.\nI was bored one Monday night and my buddy Josh suggested that I come over, drink for free and watch WWE. It seemed like a suitable diversion. However, I'm something of a recluse. I cook for fun and live in what could be endearingly described as a cave. How could I ever become a wrestling fan?\nThe best comparison I can offer is that watching professional wrestling is like listening to 80s stadium rock or hair metal. There's nothing cerebral about it. In fact, it's an opportunity to turn off the analytical portion of your brain and just watch things happen. Mötley Crüe didn't write multi-faceted ballads about love, loss and modern society. They just wrote about chicks, drugs and kicking ass. It's the same thing with wrestling -- there isn't anything to interpret or scrutinize. There's just showmanship, steroids and, of course, kicking ass.\nHowever, as someone who spends most of his time taking things too seriously, I have begun to scrutinize WWE's storylines in full literary-blowhard style. It's a lot more fun this way.\nIt's not merely pure violence. There are themes of class conflict everywhere -- not to mention a struggle between varying social norms. John Cena, for example, has grown to represent a square-jawed, all-American hero. He's vaguely military-like (he even salutes, albeit badly), and like all heroes in American lore, he flexes huge lats (it's no coincidence that "lattissimus dorsi" and "leadership" start with the same letter). He spouts maxims like, "In my life I have regretted nothing and feared less." He represents the idealized American work ethic: an honest man rising to extraordinary challenges.\nPoised against him is skuzzy anti-hero Rob Van Dam , whose signature move, at one point, was the "4:20." The icon of pony-tailed, weed-addled burnouts, Van Dam respects no law. He'll bend or break the rules to make sure he gets what he wants; he is the perfect foil to Cena's selfless service. At "ECW One Night Stand 2006," Van Dam only beat Cena when Cena was betrayed by a WWE compatriot. He represents the antithesis of the American dream: a man who succeeds by always doing wrong and working as little as possible.\nMaybe this is why pro wrestling has endured as a sport and is now common all over the world. It's not so much a matter of the the sport's violence as its spectacle and storyline. Like a soap opera for men, it has all the drama and intrigue of "Desperate Housewives," but it also involves muscled dudes ostensibly beating the crap out of each other.\nThen again, I've never watched "Desperate Housewives," so if they broke chairs over each others' heads, you can be sure I'd give them a chance.