In Memoriam

I don't know if any wise men have ever said that the hardest things about life are entering and leaving it, but they should have. I can't remember entering life, but the last couple of weeks have driven home just how hard leaving can be, especially in modern, scientific America.\nI'm writing my column this week while preparing for the funeral of a friend who died of lung cancer. Roger was diagnosed a year ago and after suffering through chemotherapy, shared a few beautiful months with those he loved. He died early Thursday morning after being in the hospital for a few weeks. It was painful to watch how much he suffered during his last days, and it was astounding to see how much tougher the hospital made the process. A parade of different doctors tromped through his room daily, and it often seemed like they didn't talk to each other. Too often they retreated into their world of scientific debate, ignoring the reality of a scared and suffering man. The doctors -- and above all the nurses -- were compassionate and, I believe, meant well, but their hands were tied by a system that demands scientific vigilance and intense caution before compassion and humanity.\nDespite everything that modern medicine knows and all the "miracles" it can perform, it still can't tell us what those last moments are like. In Roger's last moments no medicine could bring him comfort. Hopefully the friends and family holding his hand did. Drugs definitely alleviate pain, but only love and faith can truly ease you out of this world, and both are in short supply in modern medicine.\nRoger's emotional approach to life stood in stark contrast to the doctors' hyper-rational approach. One of the ways you cope with the death of someone you care about is by remembering all of the wonderful moments you shared. Roger taught so many people so much about living. He taught us to live life to the fullest at all times. He taught us to see beauty all around and to make the already beautiful even more so. He reminded everyone to laugh and to cry, and above all to forgive and to love.\nHe kept teaching up to the end, without meaning to. He taught me about how one can try to die with dignity and grace. Perhaps even more importantly, he taught me about how to try to help someone you love die with dignity and grace. It might be one of the most difficult and important things we can do. Modern American medicine is about drugs and tests and cold, hard science, but at the very end none of those help. Love, family and friends and the human touch are what are most important. I only hope that the next time someone close to me dies I can remember that and help. After a lifetime of giving gifts, that's Roger's last gift to all of us.\nThanks Roger, and we'll miss you.