Kinsey Confidential

Q: I have developed a low-level eating disorder in response to being sexually rejected by someone. I had a fling with a man who later expressed a great deal of confusion, guilt and shame over being sexually involved with a woman with whom he wasn't in a serious relationship. I am now afraid to eat anything that tastes good. I shy away from my favorite foods. I fantasize obsessively about eating ice cream sundaes, but when I tried actually eating ice cream, I went to the bathroom and stuck my finger down my throat. For the rest of the evening I felt contaminated. I think I know what the basic connection here is: I have gotten a strong emotional impression that it is a mistake to enjoy myself physically, that I don't deserve to feel physical pleasure and that if I do I will be unclean. Is this common? What can I do about it? I think this might well run its course by itself but I am feeling confused and hurt. I want to feel like both sex and tasty food are healthy things I deserve to enjoy.\nA: Many women and men notice ties between their sexual experiences and their experiences of accepting love, affection or nourishment (even in the form of food). Sometimes these are very positive connections like being open to trying new things in love, life or at a restaurant, and other times the connections feel troubling.\nTo deal with these troubling aspects, some people find the support and guidance they need through counseling; others work through their feelings via self-reflection (as it seems you're doing), journaling, reading or talking with trusted friends or family members.\nI don't know of any data that would inform us as to how many or how often people transfer their feelings about sexual or romantic intimacy to behaviors related to food or eating. However, if you are interested in exploring related ideas, you might be interested in learning more about Amy Fortoul's one-woman play called "this IS my BODY" (www.amyfortoul.com) that touches on related themes. In addition, "The Good Body" by Eve Ensler (author of "The Vagina Monologues") might also interest you, as it explores women's relationships with their bodies. The book and movie "Like Water for Chocolate" is another interesting artistic expression of the ways in which people deal with food, love and sexuality.\n"The Courage to Heal" is targeted toward survivors of sexual abuse or trauma so in that way is not directly related to your experience, but it does consider the ways that sexuality issues can affect various aspects of one's life. This book is widely available in public libraries and bookstores. You might also consider making an appointment with a counselor or attending an eating disorder support group on or off campus if these feelings persist or concern you.\nYou absolutely do deserve to find pleasure and enjoyment in your eating and sexual experiences, and it's a good start to know and feel in your heart that you deserve these things. Because you believe in the pursuit of sexual pleasure, you might also enjoy reading "Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving" by Betty Dodson, or "For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality" by Lonnie Barbach. Neither book is about food issues, but both are known for their positive perspective on women's sexuality. Good luck.