Super Bull XB: Xtra-boring, Xtra-baloney

Super Bowl Sunday is my favorite American holiday. Would I prefer the Fourth of July? Please, constitutions are overrated. Thanksgiving? I fall asleep before I can make it through my first plate of turkey. Easter? Why would I want to find eggs and then eat them, I don't get it. Hanukkah? The festival of lights brings me no excitement since Edison discovered the light bulb more than 125 years ago. \nI like my Super Bowls like I like my obese strippers -- oversized, overpriced and with more story lines than a soap opera (but ultimately, I am satisfied). This year's most annoying Super Bowl subplot goes to Jerome "The Bus" Bettis, who was returning "home" to Detroit in his final professional year in football. It was a story beaten worse than the wife in a Lifetime movie. \nI watched the Puppy Bowl on the Animal Planet channel earlier in the day. It is literally a handful of puppies that play on this miniature football field. That's all they do, run and jump around. It's friggin' adorable. And ya know what? It was a hell of a lot more interesting than the Super Bowl itself. \nAnd the officials of the Puppy Bowl were better, too. Officials, you ask? You betcha. Every now and then a flag would come onto the field and a guy in a referee suit blew his whistle and said, "Puppy Penalty, roughing the puppy passer," to which the television cameras show an instant replay of the penalty. Oh, and the guy cleaned up puppy poop, too.\nGod Bless America -- this is my favorite holiday. \nBut alas, Super Bowl XL was in fact Super Bowl XB: Xtra-Boring ... and by halftime, with the score 7-3, I was waiting for Mick Jagger to show me some nipple. But once again, I was disappointed.\nAs for the game itself, Seattle's wide receivers dropped more balls than an all-male fifth-grade physical education class and, still, Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck had arguably the best performance Sunday, throwing for 273 yards and one touchdown.\nSure, tight end Jerramy Stevens dropped four balls, the Seahawks were one-for-three in the red zone and kicker Josh Brown missed two field goals (both 50 yards or beyond), but the stench that stinks the breaths of football fans everywhere is that the referees screwed Seattle. One touchdown was called back on a soft shove, while one touchdown should have been reviewed to see whether Seahawk receiver Darrell Jackson hit the pile-on or not. Bill Leavy and his crew also called two unnecessary penalties on two important plays. One was a Sean Locklear hold late in the fourth quarter, which brought back a Seattle drive at the Pittsburgh 1-yard line when the score was 14-10. The other was a low tackle by Hasselbeck, THE QUARTERBACK, when he was trying to tackle Pittsburgh's Ike Taylor -- the man who intercepted his pass.\nSo Sunday was a Steelers' victory, sponsored in part by the NFL and the league's officials. It was Super Bowl XB ... Xtra-boring, Xtra-baloney, Xtra-bullsh ... uhh ... loney!\nIn the end, though, you've got to give Pittsburgh its props. They were the sixth seed in the toughest conference in a league where no sixth seed has ever made a Super Bowl. They beat the No. 3 Bengals, the No. 1 Colts, the No. 2 Broncos and, finally, the NFC Champions -- the Seahawks. It was certainly one of the greatest postseason runs in NFL history. \nAnd so, on America's favorite holiday, the night was not carried by those wearing red, white and blue or even the players wearing black and yellow, but rather by the few on the field who were wearing black and white. \nFor the record, I am not a fan of Seattle -- it rains enough in my life as it is. But as a football fan, it pains me to see the Super Bowl, even a portion of it, be put in the hands and affected by the third team on the field -- the referees. \nBut really, Hines Ward was the MVP? Heck no.\nCha Cha was the MVP on Sunday -- the Most Valuable Puppy.