Curling is sexy

I think my favorite sport of the winter Olympics is curling.\nMatt, you're just saying that to be funny. You don't actually enjoy watching curling. Nobody does.\nThat is not true. The other day I watched an entire three-hour curling match from beginning to end, which was also part of a bonspiel (that's curling lingo for tournament). If I'm not a hardcore curling fan, how do you explain that?\nYou were bored and putting off homework. In fact, you were putting off this very column.\nOK, maybe a little bit. But now I can truly appreciate the game for all of its intricacies.\nLike what?\nWell, for starters, there are those cute sisters on the American team.\nMatt, I think you're the only person who watched curling for the sex appeal.\nMaybe, but you've got to admire a girl who can slide a rock down a path of ice, if you know what I mean.\nI really don't.\nSorry, that was just a little curling innuendo, you wouldn't understand. Anyway, I think I'd be really good at curling.\nAre we talking about the same sport, because I'm pretty sure you almost killed yourself slipping off your front steps last December when it was icy?\nYeah, come to think of it, that did really hurt. Maybe I just need some practice. Besides, I've got the rest of the game down.\nYou know how to throw a stone?\nNo, but I'm pretty good at sweeping. There was that time my roommate's girlfriend, Ashley, gave Seth a haircut in the front hallway. As you'll recall, I made sure all of the hair was swept outside.\nMatt, I'm pretty sure Seth swept his own hair outside.\nGood point. I guess that means I'm more cut out to be a head coach then.\nThat sounds like a terrible idea.\nNo, I've got some great leadership skills. I'm the president of two Facebook clubs and I've read the whole tutorial on www.NBCOlympics.com. I've already thought of our first slogan. The bull's eye on the ice is called the "house." As we got ready for the match, we could run around the locker room and yell, "We must protect this house!"\nThat's a copyrighted slogan, Matt. I'm not even sure if you're allowed to write that here.\nFine, be all Grumpy Gus about it. It's a good thing that's not all I have up my sleeve. Did you know that the old straw brooms have been updated to synthetic heads?\nI did not, but that's great, Matt. You can totally coach a team with that knowledge.\nYeah, although I think we'd go back to the straw brooms. Then, when we are down late in the game, an old friend of the team would come and bust out the new-and-improved brooms for the closing plays when we're down. All of the curlers will start banging their broom handles on the ground and chant, "Quack. Quack. Quack."\nMatt, that's the closing of "The Mighty Ducks."\nYeah, but it totally worked for them. Besides, I need a dramatic closing if I'm going to sell the rights of my story to a movie executive. After all, isn't that what the Olympics are all about?