'Road' already traveled

Jerry Bruckheimer (producer "Pirates of the Caribbean") is one slick son of a bitch. His movies always look good. Production value is always high. No one ever goes cheap on his films. You've gotta give him that, at least.\nIn his latest endeavor, he's decided to tackle the genre "inspirational semi-historic sports movie" that Walt Disney Pictures seems to like so much. But doing that isn't so hard, because the story you're working with is already written out with a fairy tale ending. I mean, it's historic. Somebody already did it. \nI'll tell you what you would need to make a film like this one. You get some game footage, and some '60s NCAA records books. Condense a half a decade of a coach's tenure into two hours. Add some awkward "I ain't never seen a black man before" moments so the white guys can show a little racial tension. Shoot in El Paso. Then, after its been shot, hire some orchestra to play soul-stirring music at the appropriate cues, and acquire the rights to half a dozen Motown hits. Dump all of this into the chute of the Disney machine, along with some sugar, spice and everything nice, and crank the handle. After a couple of minutes, "Glory Road" will fall out the other end. \nWrite all that down. Only a half-awake idiot could mess that up.\nBruckheimer and first-time director James Gartner, even when fully awake, aren't anything to write home about. But they do make a decidedly average popcorn flick. \nYeah, so "Glory Road" is the story of the 1966 Texas Western Miners, led by coach Don Haskins (Josh Lucas), which pulled the unprecedented move of starting five black guys against the white bread Kentucky Wildcats led by Adolph Rupp (Jon Voight) in the NCAA championship game. \nThey won. \nNow that you know how it ends -- and that was never in question, of course -- you can fill in the necessary sports movie clichés. There's a couple of attitude problems. One guy doesn't show enough heart, and has to find "it" within himself. And another guy has to sit because of a medical condition. In the end, everyone finds their role and gels, and they roll over a bunch of crackers in tight athletic shorts on their way to a 27-1 season.\nThe movie wasn't bad in its execution. It's just tired, and I guarantee you've seen it before. It's formulaic, and that's a death sentence for any movie that claims to be about bigger and better things. That's not to say what the Miners did that season wasn't spectacular. That yes, a fully integrated college basketball team was unheard of in the '60s, and it's no secret that they put up with an extraordinary amount of bullshit because of that. Racists, apparently, were big basketball fans. \nBut that doesn't mean we need a movie made about it.\nI mean, honestly. If you're going to take something as culturally important as the civil rights movement and make a retread of every "Hoosiers" the world has ever seen, then why bother at all? \nThey could have tried something a little more fresh; like, say, a dark comedy. When the Miners' Goliath center catches his teammate's pass off the backboard, jams it, and hangs for a second while his nuts slap against the awkward white boy defender's face, that's funny. That makes for good comedy. God, if only they had gone to me for the screenplay. There could have been a hundred of similar moments.\nToo bad they didn't. "Glory Road" is "Remember the Titans" on the basketball court, and while it's well made, there's no reason to see it again. Don't waste your time.