In the end zone

Football gives me the giggles.\nThe outrageous fanaticism of the crowd and bombardment of male stereotypes are downright giggle-worthy. With every passing quarter, however, these giggles grow louder and louder, until finally, a guffaw resonates like a sonic boom -- shattering glass and ripping brassieres. \nWhile watching the IU-Ohio State game on TV Saturday, I was reminded of these humorous football trademarks. The referees scramble around the field like a bunch of zebra-colored coke addicts. The male fans showcase their painted nipples. Then there are the players' cupped crotches, the appearances of which can only be described as "bulbous." When those Rotisserie Barbecue-sized spandex bulges are shown on screen, the status of my bladder control switches from dependable to iffy. \nThe icing on top of this giggle cake derives from football's blatant exploitation of hyper-masculinity. The sport is based primarily on penile domination, mainly through the use of animalistic aggression. \nSimply put, if football was a pasta, it would be called testosteroni. \nThe hyper-masculine commercials exemplify this point. Nearly all of the football advertisements are centered on the construct of Western masculinity. Commercials for alcoholic beverages, cars and sports equipment are undeniably fluid, permeating the airwaves with 30-second stereotypes. \nThese companies might as well be advertising monster trucks made entirely out of gonad. \nHowever, despite viewing the laughable utilization of hyper-masculinity, I still find myself entranced by this game. And, after carefully analyzing Saturday's game, I think I finally know why.\nThe game of football is saturated with sexual undertones, ones that fixate on the fulfillment of male sexual fantasy. And, like all hot-blooded Homo sapiens, I am unfortunately, yet innately, hypnotized by images of televised sex appeal.\nFootball and sex actually have a remarkable amount of similarities. With both activities, the power dynamic, namely the distinction between "giver" and "receiver," is vital. Moreover, the interaction between these givers and receivers results in sweaty, physical exertion. This physical exertion is mirrored in the psychical exertion of sexual intercourse.\nAnd, in both cases, two-hand touch is not nearly as exciting as the Real McCoy. \nThe objective of both activities is to ultimately drive in a "score" by positioning yourself in someone else's "end zone." In which case, the divided goalpost could merely represent a pair of spread legs. \nDon't make me explain the implications of having a "tight end."\nSubliminal sex appeal plays a huge role in American consumerism, especially with sports. As author Steven Heller states in his book, "Sex Appeal," the majority of "mainstream marketing focus(es) on sexuality and eroticism." \nWhether it's a suggestive shape of a perfume bottle or blatant televised advertisements, American institutions, including sports institutions, are using the desires of male "tools" as tools to sell their products. In which case, sports could merely be considered a twisted version of athletic pornography. \nNevertheless, I, like so many others, will continue to watch for my personal pleasure. Because when it comes right down to it, America revolves around the glorification and utilization of balls. \nIt's how we make money. It's how we make babies. It's how we make America.