Don't head into to this 'Cave'

As a rule, any movie that headlines Cole Hauser and that guy from ESPN's bad attempt at drama, "Tilt," should be kept at arm's length. But, if you've got a couple hours to kill and you can't find anything better to spend eight bucks on, go see "The Cave." \n"The Cave" is the gripping story of a top-notch cave-diving team led by Jack (Hauser) and his wildcard younger brother Tyler (Eddie Cibrian). They're sent to Romania to explore "the Amazon of underground rivers." Each member of the team has their own special ability: some are able to get a Body Glove logo into any shot necessary, some are able to wear revealing clothing and scale sheer rock faces (thank you, Piper Perabo) and all are able to speak clearly with baseball-sized oxygen pieces in their mouths. Must've taken months of training.\nBut anyway, monsters live in the cave. And when the ceiling collapses behind them and the team is forced to find a new way out, they become a buffet for the monsters. The rest of the movie is formulaic. The first half-hour is driven on some admittedly stunning shots of caverns and submerged tunnels. But after that, you're just waiting for the next person to die.\nThe movie is the directorial debut of Bruce Hunt, who worked on second unit stuff for the Matrix films. To be fair, it's hard to blame him; the film, when not focusing on the plot and instead taking in the scenery, looks good. And the story that combines team of scientists/commandos/whatever vs. giant CGI monster(s) has been beaten into the ground. It's hard to blame the cast, either, because the dialogue is atrocious. At one point, Morris Chestnut's second-in-command actually says "respect the cave." And you have to wonder how many takes it took to get that right before Chestnut stopped laughing. \nBut that's okay, right? It doesn't matter if the story sucks, the lines are lame and the monsters rehashed. At least you'll get to see some ultraviolent death scenes. You'll at least watch a monster truck with teeth eviscerate some tool who hasn't gotten work since "Hart's War." Right? \nWrong, you sociopaths. It's rated PG-13. Everybody gets it in a swirl of bubbles, thrashing water and bad camera angles, and even a plot twist that reveals the monsters aren't as far from humans as they seem can't save the movie in its death throes.\nSo, on second thought, skip "The Cave." If you want to watch a movie about monsters terrorizing people underground, rent "C.H.U.D." instead. It has all the gore for the half the budget, and at least it's got an original name.