Schmaltz on ice

Casey Carlyle (hottie and former child-spy Michelle Trachtenberg) is a math whiz on the road to Harvard who just wants to be a professional ice skater. Of course this plan doesn't fly with her overprotective perfectionist mother (a typically strung-out Joan Cusack), and it's not until she accepts the guidance of a disgraced former ice skater (a thoroughly weathered Kim Cattrall), and the cheesy pickup lines fed to her by her mentor's son (Tiger Beat bait Trevor Blumas) that Casey realizes her dreams. "What's wrong with wanting to feel strong and graceful and beautiful?" she asks. From scholastic to fantastic indeed.\nActually, "Ice Princess," as well as Casey's dreams of skating stardom in the face of a rare opportunity to attend Harvard that she treats like a burden, rings false on most every note. When the highlight of a movie is a cameo by Olympic figure skater Brian Boitano, you know you're in trouble. Regardless, it's what we've come to expect from Disney live action over the years, and should fit nicely on a DVD shelf next to Vin Diesel's career-ending "The Pacifier" and Lindsay Lohan's kiddie-pandering in "Herbie: Fully Loaded." Though unlike most recent Disney features, there are no honest adult jokes or situations to be found in "Ice Princess," at least not to the surreal degree of the Lohan-sung theme song to "Herbie" aptly titled "I Wanna Come First."\nOther than a smattering of commentary by the actors, an alternate opening and a few inconsequential deleted scenes, there is no insight here into the making of the force of nature that is "Ice Princess." Possibly the best feature is often-overlooked ability to utilize the French audio track, on which the majority of the film's wooden English dialogue actually translates into better delivered lines.\nYoung girls (ages five to fifteen) might find "Ice Princess" to be a transcendent work of cinema, and I suppose that's the film's intended core audience anyway. (Although the recent hyperdriven success of the sixth Harry Potter novel has opened my eyes to the fact that certain things intended for children have an eerie crossover power.) Avoid "Ice Princess" unless your inner child has a serious hankering to get out on the ice and promptly fall on its ass.