How to be an online gamer

The world of online gaming can be a scary place.\nDon't believe me? Imagine this: thousands of overweight, pasty nerds brought together by the wonders of the information era to waste their lives together in an infinite number of online battles, using keyboards and headsets to talk to each other as they consume metric tons of Cheetos and Mountain Dew.\nNot a pleasant image, is it?\nStill, the hobby grows more and more popular as countless people join the online ranks daily, playing as soldiers and superheroes and temperamental elves. \nThough the anonymity of the internet makes it possible for billions of people to get together and kill each other on a daily basis, there are a few unspoken rules that seemingly everyone follows. If you, too, are a pasty internet nerd who enjoys going on guild raids and blowing up strangers with rocket launchers, I have compiled a rudimentary list of the things you will need to know to be successful in the world of online gaming:\n1. Never use proper English. Ever.\nGenerally, if you use the internet daily anyway, capitalization and spelling are the least of your concerns when it comes to updating your LiveJournal or Facebook. Still, this bears mentioning. Internet gamers have found a way to make bastardized abbreviations of nearly every English phrase (or even word), and if you don't know the lingo, you're out of luck.\nSay, for instance, you are playing a game of "Battlefield 2" and someone on your team takes it upon himself to shoot you until you die. Which of these two responses are acceptable? \nA) "I do not appreciate that you team-killed me and cost our team valuable points."\nB) "wtf u tking idiot wactch where ur awping next time"\nIf you picked the second choice, congratulations, you can play video games on the internet. If you picked the first, other life choices may be better for you. Maybe moving out of mom's basement and getting a real job.\n2. If you use a headset, be sure your voice is only slightly less annoying than Fran Drescher's.\nThis is a must, whether you're doing your fragging on a computer or a console. Analysts say the average gamer is 18 to 26. Analysts, apparently, also like to huff glue. To effectively use a headset you must be a foul-mouthed ten-year-old or at least capable of acting like one.\nThere are other factors to consider here. If you're using a headset, never turn it off. Mom comes in and asks you to do the dishes? Be sure to let everyone in the squad in on your argument with her. On the phone with your girlfriend? Everyone would love to hear what you're going to do to her this weekend! It's also good to let people know about the boring minutiae of your life as you play. For instance, if you have to stop soon, be sure and let everyone know it's because you have to go administer ear medicine to your cat. \nBonus points if you spend the rest of your time complaining about cheaters/lag/anything else that's causing you to lose the match.\n3. No matter what you're doing in the game, make sure you're exploiting it to make it no fun for everyone else.\nThis is probably the most important lesson a person can learn when venturing into the online arena. There's only one thing you need to keep in mind: people do not play video games for fun anymore. They play them for rank points or unlockables or whatever else they can use to justify spending twelve hours a day in front of the computer. \nBecause of this, there's one important lesson to learn: always go for the strongest weapon, even if you must kill teammates to get it. After obtaining said weapon, never drop it. Be sure to hide in a place where you cannot be hit and rack up cheap kill after cheap kill. If someone complains, be sure to insult their sexuality, their mother or maybe even a combination of the two.\nWith these starting lessons in mind almost anyone can jump in and play like a pro, no matter what the game. With no English skills, a squeaky voice and a determination only to rack up points to make up for any real accomplishment in your life, you will be an unstoppable killing machine capable of annoying even the most patient of gamers. Good luck, and pray to God you never recognize anyone you play games with in public. Chances are you won't have a rocket launcher in real life.