'Mindhunters' is mindless

Finnish director Renny Harlin's latest "opus moderandi" "Mindhunters" could have easily been the dumbest movie of the year, that is had I not seen "xXx: State of the Union" two weeks prior. \nHarlin, whose career kick-started with modestly entertaining action and horror movies such as "Die Hard 2," "Cliffhanger," "Cutthroat Island" (sure it's one of the biggest bombs of all time, but I've got a soft spot for pirate flicks ... even those starring Geena Davis), "The Long Kiss Goodnight" and "Deep Blue Sea," has since fallen on hard times. To give you an idea of how bad things have become, his last two pictures were the Sylvester Stallone Formula 1 misstep "Driven" and ill-conceived prequel "Exorcist: The Beginning," the latter of which Harlin shot while "Mindhunters" was languishing in Bob and Harvey Weinstein's vaults. I'd venture to guess that it was only released domestically as means of liquidation in wake of the recent divorce between Disney and Miramax.\n"Mindhunters" centers on a team of prospective FBI profilers (Christian Slater, Jonny Lee Miller, Kathryn Morris, Eion Bailey, Clifton Collins Jr., Patricia Velasquez and Will Kemp) and their unorthodox instructor (Val Kilmer). To conclude their course, the trainees are sent to a remote Navy-owned island with an agency observer (LL Cool J) in order to solve a simulated slaying. Lo and behold, one of the agents is off-kilter and sets about offing his or her contemporaries through a series of increasingly complicated Rube Goldberg-esque murders based around their personalities. Get it? The killer is profiling the profilers. Genius!\n"Mindhunters" reminds me of a high school basketball program with problems. Kilmer and Slater were once A-list actors (think: varsity), but their stars have since dimmed due to erratic behavior and legal troubles, as such they're now on JV. With 20 minutes of screen time between them, one could presume they'd even been suspended. Filling the gaps are a bunch of wet-behind-the-ears freshman, i.e. C-list stars, such as Miller (who'll never top his turn in "Trainspotting," and has a horrendous Southern accent here), Morris (star of CBS' contrived "Cold Case"), Bailey (the first "space monkey" in "Fight Club"), Collins Jr. (the drug dealer in "The Rules of Attraction"), "Mummy" mamacita Velasquez and Kemp (who's only other screen credit is the vapid "Van Helsing"). Along for the ride is a cocky point guard (Cool J) who talks shit more often than he scores. \nCoaching this ragtag team is Harlin, whose winning percentage of late would make even Mike Davis scoff. "Assistant coaches" screenwriters Wayne Kramer and Kevin Brodbin draw up nonsensical plays (see the film's last minute killer switcheroo) punctuated by daffy dialogue ("Iny, miny, mino, mo. Who's the next motherfucker to go?" and "Now we know his weakness: bullets."). "Boosters" such as the editing and special effects departments do no small favors either: the film looks as though it were cut with a kiddie's pair of Fiskars and CG and make-up effects are of Troma quality.\n"Mindhunters" was shot in Amsterdam and it shows. You'd have to be on drugs to make a movie this foggy.