Juxtaposing the Quincunx

I was completely, totally, mind-numbingly, incomprehensibly bored.\nMy teacher's rambling had been going on for nearly an hour and was as tiresome and dreary as watching a Kevin Costner movie on Dimetapp. It was painful. It felt like my brain was being sent through one of those penny presses at the zoo: squashed, smashed, flattened and finally branded with a firm stamp of boredom. \nEven playing my usual "Testicle Swap" game didn't alleviate the boredom. This is a game where you replace a word your teacher keeps saying with "Gonad" -- in this case, it was the word "poem."\n"Today, we're going to be looking at Sylvia Plath's (gonads). Some of her (gonads) are quite meaty, so I recommend that you dissect each (gonad) piece by piece." \nIt wasn't until the woman sitting next to me spoke that I finally perked up. While analyzing the poem we had just read, she used the word "anthropomorphized": a word so grandiose and impressive, I immediately considered impregnating her just so I could have smart babies. \nHowever, as her analysis continued, she repeated the word again and again ... and ultimately four more times. It was then that I realized: She was a Pretentious Vocabulary Poser (PVP). PVPs are annoying people who only know about seven large words but use them ALL THE TIME. \nUnfortunately, like pancakes, these people can be found almost everywhere. \nIn nearly every class, every group of friends, there is always that one person who likes using words like "quincunx" and "archaic" just to try to look cool. It all comes down to manipulating intelligence. People use these words to make themselves sound smarter -- like saying the word "facilitates" when "helps" would have been just gravy.\nPVPs are guilty of doing this not only in speaking, but with writing as well. Case in point: the synonym function on Microsoft Word. PVPs use it all the time, transforming drab words like "sad" and "mad" into stylish "forlorn" and "barmy." It's like giving your writing a queer-eye makeover. All words just keep getting better! Ironically, however, writing clearly with smaller words is much more effective than using an incoherent jumble of large words.\nWhile sometimes, I'll admit, it is fun to use these big words to make others feel inferior (like asking the McDonald's employees to evenly juxtapose your french fries), overall, the use of these fancy terms is completely unnecessary. While you may appear culturally astute by using these frilly words, too often the meaning behind florid speech is lost in the complexity of the phrasing. \nFor example: Have you ever read a page of your history or biology book that's so convoluted with gigantic words that you feel like you're reading a different language? And that even after re-reading it, the information still doesn't sink into your brain?\nThat's bunk. My idea of an articulate writer and speaker is one who can effectively communicate with the audience. Big words merely complicate the transversal of speech to the point that the meaning and purpose behind the argument is lost in a labyrinth of language. \nThe convolution of syntax can stifle the communication of true feelings as well. While our emotion may be genuine, sometimes, as Gloria Estefan explains, "The words get in the way." Take for example the following phrases. \nWhich is more effective?\n 1) My aortic valves yearn with emotional plasma that encompasses my entire cardiovascular system.\nor\n2) I love you.\nPerhaps there's something to be said for simplicity. \nSo, the next time you're comparing word size, try to remember: It's not the length of the dictionary ... it's the motion of the syntax.