A Bayside Reunion

As I was flipping through the channels the other day, I settled on Animal Planet where I had a chance encounter with one of my old high school buddies. He was hosting a show called "Pet Star." We caught up on old times. \n"O-ma-gah, Albert? Albert Clifford Slater? Is that you?"\nI couldn't believe my eyes. \n"Man, I haven't seen you since … what … Bayside High School graduation? Do you even remember me? Oh c'mon, remember … I bought like 10 buddy bands from you senior year. Yeah, I sorta really wanted to be your buddy. I also used to sit in that booth right behind you and 'the gang' at The Max. And you used to straddle a chair backward … ha, and I used to fantasize about being that chair…"\n"Me? Oh I'm doin' all right. Yeah, goin' to college. What about you? I remember you only getting like a 1000 on your SATs, and "Preppy" got a 1600. Oh, that's right -- "Saved by the Bell: The College Years." But wasn't that only for like one semester? Well, college isn't for everybody." \n"But I see you're doing … um … well." \nMan, I used to think he was so cool. \nAfter my reunion with Slater, I felt compelled to know what happened to some of the other kids from my class.\nI already knew about Screech. I bumped into him a couple years ago at Alumni Hall. His stand-up comedy tour was coming to campus, so I bought a ticket, hoping that afterward, we could catch up. \nHe opened his material with a real belly-acher. \n"One out of every three people is ugly," he explained. "Now, look to your left; then, look to your right. If neither of them are ugly, then you're it." \nI was sitting at the end of a row. \nThe rest was reminiscing about Bayside. No one really laughed. I think everyone pitied him. Of everyone in my class he was awarded the superlative "Most Likely to Succeed," but instead of following his chosen profession of research science or competitive chess, he became another one of those comedians so dismally unfunny, it might be funny to watch. \nOh, and in case you were wondering, Screech is consequently of no relation to Mike D. from Beastie Boys, despite rumors. Like it or not, Screech is the most successful member of the Diamond family. \nAfter hiring a detective to track down Kelly Kapowski, I found out she ended up moving to Beverly Hills in the 90210 area - a pretty wealthy, albeit, scandalous side of town. I was glad I hired a private investigator to locate her because she was virtually unrecognizable after the breast augmentation. \nOnce I got a hold of Kelly, I asked her if she knew anything of Jesse Spano's whereabouts.\nShe told me to try Las Vegas. \nApparently, Spano dealt with some severe sexual repression in her developing years because she became a showgirl stripper. I guess, in retrospect, it isn't that surprising the two most popular girls at our school became dirty hos. That's pretty much standard protocol. \nMaybe she and Slater can finally get together, since I heard his former wife Ali Landry had their marriage annulled last May after he was caught cheating one day prior and one day post the wedding. \nBut could you blame him? He was such a stud on "The View," er … I mean "The Other Half." \nLisa is, by far, the greatest lark to me. The last time I saw her was in a Boys II Men music video, "On Bended Knee." Some of my other classmates have told me she's busy "managing her own production company," but all I have to say to that is "Whatev." \nI mean, there are two reasons people become producers. One, they've become so successful and wealthy they like to dabble in giving rising stars a spotlight; or two, no one wants to cast them, so they have to start making their own films and cast themselves. I haven't seen Lisa sipping champagne with "Oscar" lately, so I'm guessing it's the latter. \nZach Morris. Big Man on Campus. Every Bayside babe's fantasy. \nApparently, he's the first of our class to have a kid. Somehow, I'm not surprised by that information. \nI also learned he's in a Fox show called "Hitched" about a wedding chapel. Somehow, I doubt that pilot's going to need landing gear. \nStalking those "Saved by the Bell" has-beens was like flipping through a senior yearbook. And in the process, I had three valuable epiphanies on life and stardom: One, just like in real life, the most popular kids tend to be the least successful. Remember Violet, Screech's one-episode girlfriend? Yeah, Tori Spelling was the most successful actor to come out of that show, and she was a big loserhead. The most popular girls became run-of-the-mill skanks, and the dudes, either cheating or fathering children. Even Screech became unsuccessful by popular crowd association. \nAnd anyone who refers back to high school fondly has a downhill road ahead. High school should never be the "prime of your life;" likewise, if "Saved by the Bell" was the prime of your career, perhaps a "B" represents more than just the patch on your letterman's jacket and says something more about the type of films in which you appear. Two, acting requires talent. Sorry, pretty faces. \nAnd last, Mario Lopez is so desperate to be surrounded by bitches he's hosting "Pet Star"