In with the 'in' minutes

Judge me not by my lyric-less cell phone ringtone. \nQuite frankly, I don't have enough daytime minutes to hold off on my chit-chat while you laughingly play "name that tune" to the beep, beep, beeps of my old school, polyphonic audio ring. \nMy ego bruises easy, so even if I'm using daytime, nighttime or Verizon's "in" minutes -- I can't deal with the jokes about a couple of my ringtones not including actual voices or instrument-produced music. \nSo what, jerk face? Maybe the hum of my polyphonic ringtone sounds more like Japanese kabuki theatre music and less like the radio version of rapper Ludacris' "Splash (Waterfalls)." \nFine. \nBut when I downloaded the free audio, sent it in a picture message to my phone, saved it under my music settings and set it as a ringer -- the beeps sounded close enough to Luda's song to me.\nDon't hate me because I beat the system. \nI already downloaded the real audio version of Lauryn Hill's "Nothing Even Matters," just so I could announce to the world that "hey -- my man's calling!" \nAnd though I hated spending cheese on a ringtone that will surely get on my nerves by next week, I just couldn't bear expressing my feelings with a raggedy, voiceless, beep-beep-beeping mono or polyphonic ringtone. \nBut that's it, darn it.\nI'm not offering up another $1.49 to the ringtone gods just so the "No I.D." folks, the "Restricted Call" people and "Default" ringer friends who pop up on my cell phone's display get some special introduction.\nAccording to USA Today, ringtones have grown to become a $4 billion dollar industry worldwide. \nSomebody tell me when the heck ringtone selections got reprioritized on the ladder of social importance! \nAnd after spending hours browsing TheFacebook and wasting precious minutes tweaking my AIM buddy info -- someone please tell me how I can avoid falling to the clutches of yet another technologically-driven pop culture pitfall.\nDarn you, cell phone companies! It wasn't enough to tempt our desire for individuality with changeable faceplates and Hello Kitty antennae lights. You had to exploit my generation's psychological vulnerabilities for ringtones.\nI read your little analysis, T-Mobile representative Michael Gallelli -- if that's your name. \n"When kids buy a ringtone, they're looking at it as a way to personalize their phone experience, to show who they are." \nGet out of my generation's psyche, Michael! \nWe question our popularity by the number of "Missed Calls" we'd received upon returning to our cell phones after class. We covet daytime minutes, only using them for conversations with our most intimate friends. And, quite frankly, you've preyed upon the knowledge that we will marry the person who sets Prince's "Adore" as our ringtone. Not because the song's lyrics touch our souls -- but simply because we recognize that only a great mind could appreciate such a wonderful piece of vintage tunes!\nSo don't dangle the opportunity for expression in front of me then charge me $7.49 for seven credits toward purchasing music from Sony Music Box. \nI see the conspiracy.\nThese are not simply cell phone ringtones, Mr. T-Mobile, or whoever you are.\nThese are the audio bites that define us when our T-shirts, sneakers or verbal statements aren't enough.\nWe started downloading these ringtones because we wanted to express ourselves. And lo and behold, we've become part of a trend.\nLook what you've done, little cell phone companies. You've got folks in my generation judging one another based on the audio of the other's cell phone.\nYou've fed us this ringtone drug, and now, we can't stop! I hope you can still sleep at night.