The guidebook of intramural characters

What do I have in common with Terrell Owens?\nOwens is 6-foot-3 and 236 pounds. I'm 5-foot-9 and 160 pounds. Owens caught 14 touchdown passes for the Philadelphia Eagles, who are on their way to Super Bowl XXXIX. I caught three touchdown passes for my intramural fraternity team on our way to being eliminated in the Sweet Sixteen. Owens will be making $42 million over six years for his hard work as a wide receiver in Philadelphia. I will be paying a $30 athletic fee for my hard work as a student in Bloomington. \nSo what do I have in common with Terrell Owens? We both dream of a championship. Although Owen's dream might be plausible, my will to win includes a distinct advantage over Owens: I play intramurals. \nAh yes, intramurals. Every semester students gather on frost-hardened fields and miniature hardwood floors to seek the same goal: an intramural championship. Whether you play football, basketball, table tennis, bowling, volleyball or soccer, there always seems to be the same cast of characters. The self-proclaimed "athletes," who are both entertaining with their skills and amusing with their habits. \nSo without further ado, I present to you the "Guidebook of Intramural Characters":\nThe Steroid-Enhanced Frat Guy: A mix between Barry Bonds and Leon from the Budweiser commercials. When things go right, he's the man. When things go wrong, it's everyone's fault but his. The S.E.F. Guy tries to intimidate you with size and ego, but a simple lead change in the game can turn him from a 500-pound gorilla into a 5-year-old girl. \nThe Special Teams Guy: Can be classified as either "The Cheerleader" or "The Sideline Sucker." The Special Teams Guy will never see playing time, but if someone is looking for the game ball, he's your man. His lack of skill at sports is more certain in this world than gravity, yet as a part of the team, he courageously cheers on his mates' success.\nThe Sadly Awful and Mistaken Guy: Nicknamed "SAM," this Keyshawn Johnson wannabe believes he always deserves the damn ball. Yet come crunch time, when the game is in his hands, he performs as well as Peyton Manning against the Patriots. Undeterred, SAM complains about never getting playtime while his teammates complain about associating themselves with him. \nThe X-Factor Guy: Every team has one. This play-maker is incorporated in every play because he is the only one who can put points on the board. A team can go from worst in his absence to first in his presence. With an ego that only exceeds his skill, this prime-time player is easily identified by the opposition, making him the center of attention whenever he is in the game ... which is always.\nThe Sweatband Guy: He may look like an athlete, but appearances are deceiving when this guy steps out onto the field. Pimped out in designer head and armbands, Sweatband Guy has about as much skill as the Abercrombie models he is trying to imitate. If appearance were a skill, he would be Michael Jordan.\nThe Trash-Talking Guy: Like an army drill sergeant on a power trip, Trash-Talking Guy aims to lower your self-esteem. Unbeknownst to you, he has met your mother, your sister, your girlfriend and sometimes even the family pet. This may be just a game to the rest of the players on the field, but for Trash-Talking Guy, it is a place to make grown men cry and his teammates laugh. Always brutal. Never cool. That is Trash-Talking Guy. \nSo the next time you decide to throw on a pair of New Balance sneakers and a headband for an intramural game just remember -- don't be that guy.