SpongeBob Queerpants

Just as we've finally rid our impressionable children of that purple menace Tinky-Winky, a new and even more sinister threat has sashayed into his place. That's right, everyone, it's SpongeBob ... and he's gay! \nThis cartoon character isn't content to keep his sinful nature to himself, either. He regularly uses his Nickelodeon show to flaunt his sick, hand-holding fetish with his same-sex crony Patrick, and now he's recruiting other childhood heroes. In that underhanded manner so typical of those sneaky homosexuals, he's roped Barney, Pooh and many others into performing Sister Sledge's disco hit "We Are Family." And as we all know, only gay people listen to disco!\nThe song was co-written by music producer Nile Rodgers, whose We Are Family Foundation masquerades as an organization aiming to teach kids about acceptance of cultural differences. Rodgers plans to send more than 60,000 copies of the video to grade schools as a nefarious tactic for initiating grade-school students into the gay scene. \nAt least, those are the allegations of several Christian fundamentalist groups. Among the accusers is the American Family Association's Ed Vitagliano, who wrote on the organization's Web site that, "On the surface, the project may appear to be a worthwhile attempt to foster greater understanding of cultural differences. However, a short step beneath the surface reveals that one of the differences being celebrated is homosexuality."\nOkay, so I didn't spend 1979 frequenting gay dance clubs incognito, but I find that a bit of a stretch. \nFocus on the Family's James Dobson agrees with Vitagliano. He was enraged by the We Are Family Foundation's Web site, whose "Tolerance Pledge" includes the statement, "I pledge to have respect for people whose abilities, beliefs, culture, race, sexual identity or other characteristics are different from my own."\nThis translates into: I pledge to lure as many young children as possible into my lifestyle of nightly cocaine-fueled gay orgies.\nThat seems to be the impression of Dobson, who fumed, "Their inclusion of the reference to 'sexual identity' within their 'tolerance pledge' is not only unnecessary, but it crosses a moral line," in a statement run by www.cnn.com.\nDobson and his supporters are clearly experts on what homosexuality entails. An eye-opening visit to the Focus on the Family Web site informed me that "Homosexuals, and those who advocate that sin, are fundamentally committed to overturning the lordship of Christ in this world."\nQuite a hefty goal, if you ask me. No wonder they've had to delegate their dirty work to SpongeBob!\nIt's difficult to dispute the implicit homosexual messages in a video that has yet to be released, but Rodgers -- who is not gay himself -- insists it's not intentional. "You have really got to look hard to find anything in this that is offensive to anyone. The last thing I am going to do is taint these characters," he said in a Reuters article.\nRodgers is right: Dobson and Vitagliano are truly scraping the bottom of the barrel with these accusations. For people who claim to deplore homosexuality, they sure seem to spend an excessive amount of time immersing themselves in its study. \nAnd doesn't it seem a bit pervy for a grown man to find sexual innuendo in a children's sing-along video? Even the most homophobic parent should be wary of a religious leader who finds sexual content in a place where it obviously doesn't exist.\nBy digging so deeply to find instances of gay undertones in a children's sing-along video, Dobson and Vitagliano make their argument against homosexuality look ridiculous to anyone they might hope to persuade. What's more, they are catapulting gay culture -- which they supposedly wish to combat -- squarely into the media spotlight. \nAs long as SpongeBob keeps his square pants on, there's no need for alarm.