Illiteracy doesn't rock

TheFacebook is a fantastic resource for journalists. It is a virtual anthropological peep-hole, allowing us to observe and document college students in their natural, online habitats. \nThrough various hours of personal investigation on TheFacebook, I have made several observations of my own. First of all, everyone doltishly posing with a Corona bottleneck is either a business or exploratory major. Secondly, anyone who conveniently skips the "interested in men or women" category is a total closet-case. Finally, people who get "random play" from TheFacebook are big loser-heads.\nBut one of the most startling observations occurred to me the other day. While perusing the various profiles, I noticed somewhat of a disturbing trend. While the "favorite movie" categories were always jam-packed with a plethora of films, the book category was generally emptier than a line for "Satan Sausage" at a Christian vegetarian convention. \nIt was then that I came to a saddening conclusion: We are living in the era of "bye, bye, books."\nAccording to an article in The Indianapolis Star, Americans spend an average of four hours a day watching movies and TV; however, 68 percent have not read a book in the past five years.\nThis trend of choosing television over books has continued to inflate and puff up during the years, like a dangerous, societal hernia. Thanks to the television, books will soon join the ranks of both dinosaurs and UPN watchers: total extinction. \nNobody reads anymore. In fact, if it weren't for Harry Potter books, 93 percent of the U.S. population would be illiterate, according to a fake survey available at www.colindugdalerulz.com. \nIt has now heightened to such an extent that libraries nationwide, including the Marion Country Public library back in my hometown of Indianapolis, have had to entice kids to join summer reading programs by offering them candy. Is it just me, or does that sound a lot like librarian pedophilia? In essence, the library is bribing them to read. In previous generations, reading was done simply for literary adventure and educational value ... not Dilly Bar coupons. \nConsidering the success of the reading program, I have come up with a few ways of my own to increase reading levels. \nSince Americans are obsessed with eating, book publishing companies should make all books smell like Ball Park franks. That way, with every savory page-turn of Mein Kampf for example, it's like you're mentally eating a big ol' Hitler Hotdog.\nFurthermore, all book purchases should come with a free ticket to see a theatrical production of the novel, like "Helen Keller: The Musical!" and "The Diary of Anne Frank: ON ICE."\nOK, so maybe I'm being a little fantastical. Nevertheless, a greater emphasis on reading should be adopted. Yes, in the midst of my inane sarcasm, there is a point. Here it is. Are you ready? Hold on ... here it comes! \nReading is good. \nTa-dah!\nIt's Vitamin C. It's an apple a day. It's two servings of dairy. It's important, not only for maintaining traditional education and democracy, but for establishing a viable form of national communication. \nSo, for the love of Buddha, read. \nRead something -- a cookbook, a leaflet ... anything! If you're a fan of bestsellers, start checking out books from the Oprah Book Club. Or, if you are just starting out, grab something from the President Bush book club, like Where's Waldo? or something from the Amelia Bedelia collection. \nJust think of reading as a lap-dance for the brain, an exotic pleasure ride -- heating up our neurons and titillating our imagination. So open up a book ... and open your mind. Turn on your neurons ... and turn off the television. Because "illiteracy rocks" is not TheFacebook club worth joining.