Violence is not the answer

I'm not a violent person.\nReally, I've never hit anyone. Nor have I ever been in a fight. Sure, there was that little scuffle in junior high, but it was really just me getting popped in the stomach.\nSo, that's what makes me wonder exactly what it is about intramural indoor soccer that makes me want to beat the tar out of someone.\nNow, there are definitely a number of contributing factors here, including the fact we have yet to win a game. That's right, we're 0-3. Worse than that is the fact that I am the goalie. I don't know whose bright idea that was but it was definitely a huge mistake. We lost the last game 13 to two. Enough said.\nSo, is my competitive nature to blame for this unwarranted anger? I really don't think it is. I mean, I'm not bitter about our unfortunate record. Actually, it's pretty funny. And in general, I don't judge my personal worth by my intramural record (If I did it would be a sad, sad existence).\nWhat then could be the cause of this hostility? I think that it actually might not be my fault. I know what you're thinking, and you're right; it's always easier to blame someone else. But try to stay with me on this one.\nIndoor soccer is, by nature, a physical game. I mean, it's played in between walls that are perfect for body checks. And yet, in the lower intramural league, it's kind of understood you're not going to go out and just lay the smack down on someone. That's why when one of my teammates was the recipient of a solid stiff-arm, I was taken a little bit by surprise.\nAlso, what are these kids doing trash talking in the lowest division of intramural soccer? I mean, come on. We paid $4 to play with a fake ball on a basketball court; this is not exactly World Cup soccer we're talking about here.\nAnyway, I've decided that I need a way to deal with this hostility before it overcomes me. At first, I thought about yoga. Then I quickly decided against it; basically, I don't look very good in spandex. Trust me.\nNext, I thought if I stop listening to gangsta rap maybe I will be a more calm and collected person. Then I remembered I don't listen to gangsta rap.\nAnd then, I had an epiphany. Maybe I don't want to calm down. Maybe, I should just go on some wild rampage. While this may not be the nicest of my options, it would absolutely be the most fun. How cool would it be able to tell kids how I was thrown out of intramurals for making some kid cry during a soccer game (assuming, of course, that I could indeed bring someone to tears).\nBut alas, as I mentioned before, I've never been in a real fight and I would probably screw it up by tripping or something. That would be pretty typical.\nSo I'm back at square one.\nLuckily, since we didn't place in the top two in our division our season has come to a winless conclusion. I have a whole year to dwell on what a wimp I am and maybe even get some fighting experience under my belt.\nOn that note, if anyone is the head of a secret fight club in Bloomington, let me know. I'd definitely be down for some of that action. \nAs long as you don't actually hurt each other.