Enjoying the agony of defeat

So you're voting for the first time tomorrow. Are you excited?\nI hate to break it to you, but the act of voting itself is really not as thrilling and satisfying as you may think. You go into a room after standing in what promises to be a long line, give your name to some old people who can't hear very well -- who consequently think your name is Jim Danielson when you clearly said your name is "Tim Johansson" -- and then they slowly, and man do I mean slowly, find your name on two different lists and make you sign your name next to where it is printed. \nYou then stand in line a bit longer and wait for the people in front of you to do their patriotic duty behind what looks like a blue card table that wasn't put together right. \nNext to the voting machine, someone is sitting with a long remote control that looks like a power strip and you wonder, "Am I gonna get electrocuted if I vote wrong?" (Given the political disposition of Bloomington, I can assure you that your chances of dying by lethal election are slim because if they were going to kill anyone, they'd have killed me years ago.)\nThen you vote, and you're done. \nFrom this point on, you are totally helpless as to what is happening around the rest of the city, county, state and nation. You can only hope enough people agree with you so that the people you want to win actually do. \nIf you decide you want a drink -- and after this election you very well might -- you'd better have some booze at home because no restaurant or store in Indiana can sell alcohol in any form until 6 p.m. when the polls close. (Mental note: Buy beer tonight.)\nAt 6:00 and one second, many bars get suddenly busy and all the major networks declare that Indiana casts its 11 electoral votes for George W. Bush. (These two things are not coincidences.)\nNow, finally, comes the fun part: watching the returns come in. \nGrown men and women who have finished running for office have said nearly every nasty thing about a fellow human being that they could, now must accept victory or defeat graciously as their personal cheering sections of sycophants yell and scream wildly because of -- or often in spite of -- the outcome.\nIt is an awesome, unnatural wonder that so many people will get together and chant after the public butt-kicking of their candidate. I know they mean to make their candidate feel better, but a room full of cheering volunteers is small consolation when several million people took the time out of their day to say they don't like you. \nExpressed on the face of each losing candidate is the deep desire to give that expletive-laden concession speech that exists only in their minds -- the one that unfavorably compares their victorious opponent's mother to pedophilic cannibals who like to torture kittens. (I keep watching in the hopes someone will give that speech someday.) \nSometimes, the supporters of candidates are more apt to show their displeasure in defeat.\nIn 2000, when Democratic strategist Paul Begala got the (premature) news Florida had gone for Bush, he looked like someone just ran over his childhood teddy bear with a lawn mower. Begala sat slack-jawed for a moment, threw a tantrum and then walked off the set on live TV. For a moment, I thought he was going to cry. \nYou can't write entertainment like this.\nSo tomorrow night: sit back, have a drink and watch all hell break loose as the carnage of democracy unfolds.