Choose your own adventure

Since this column was written prior to the election results, indulge in one of your favorite childhood pastimes by following the "choose your own adventure" format, an enlightening prophecy on America's Decision 2004 awaits you! \nIt's simple. Begin with Chapter One; then, proceed to the next chapter, depending on the outcome of last night's election, or ...\nYou didn't vote for last night's victor? Pretend your guy won and follow your own adventure to see if your decision was what's best for the country! Good luck and happy adventuring! \nChapter One. As the citizens waited in queues to cast their votes at the polls, they considered the weighty issues that recently surfaced in the campaigns: Osama bin Laden's tape, the missing 400 tons of stockpiled weapons, whether or not Laura Bush ever had a "real" job and Ashlee Simpson's nationally-televised lip-synching blunder. How would these factors tilt the Electoral College scale? \nWhen the polls closed, news anchors colored in the red states and blue states on the map. Fate was sealed. (If John Kerry won, continue to Chapter Two; if George W. Bush won, continue to Chapter Three.)\nChapter Two. Wow, maybe the Electoral College isn't crap after all! Aside from all of the voting fraud, Kerry still succeeds. On Jan. 20, the Supreme Court inaugurates Kerry as the 44th president of the United States. Kerry addresses the country in a speech about keeping all eyes on the Osama bin Laden target, creating new jobs on the homefront while decreasing outsourced jobs and mending relationships with foreign nations, alienated by the last administration. After his inspiring key-note words, he shoots a bald eagle with his hunting buddies to symbolize his desire for bi-partisan approval. \nAfter some time in office, Kerry initiates domestic policy changes, including a revoke of Bush's tax-cut to the richest echelon of Americans that helps fund education, environment and health care reforms. \nVice President John Edwards is named sexiest man of the year by People magazine, and this columnist applies to be the first ever Vice Presidential Mansion intern. (Proceed to Chapter Four.) \nChapter Three. Uh-oh. The Bush is back. Before he is inaugurated for a second term, he joins some troops in Baghdad for cranberry sauce on Thanksgiving and asks if the weapons of mass destruction could possibly be stuffed in the turkey's cavity. \nSoon after he is inaugurated for a second term, Bush appoints some Supreme Court justices who don't think women should have control over their own bodily functions. Masses of dissatisfied Americans migrate north to Canada with hopes of better medical coverage, acceptance of the gay and lesbian community, and less chances of being hated by the rest of the world. This movement will be recalled in the history books as the Trail of Fears. (Proceed to Chapter 5.) \nChapter Four. President Kerry exceeds Americans' expectations, seeing as the expectations were "anyone but Bush." \nBecause Bush is out of a job, he does what every ex-president does: He writes his own autobiographical novel. Actually, it's a child's book, and he hires someone to ghost write it for him. "Daddy, Did I Make You Proud?" becomes a bestseller. The End.\nChapter Five. Out of frustration and inability to ameliorate the situation in Iraq, President Bush hallucinates extra axes of evil, accusing Michael Moore, Bruce Springsteen and the Dixie Chicks of aiding and abetting terrorists in their Mount Rushmore cave headquarters. Vice President Dick Cheney covers up the president's delusions and convinces him to invade Iran and Syria instead. The End. \nIn the case that Ralph Nader of the Green Party wins the election, see Chapters Six through Ten, "The Surreal Years." \nIn the case that lawyers challenge the results of yesterday's election today, look forward to future columns for more accurate and less exaggerative analyses of Decision 2004.