Super-sloppy double debate

The first of three presidential debates was held last week, and it went as expected for the most part. Bush attacked Kerry for changing positions, and Kerry attacked Bush for not being honest about the war effort in Iraq and not handling it well. Immediately following the debate, polls indicated Kerry won the debate by a 70 to 30 margin. But is this debate really going to change anything? Will any Kerry supporters be switching to Bush after hearing the president say nine times that John Kerry changes positions? Conversely, will any Bush supporters be convinced by Kerry's argument that the president did not make good decisions regarding the war in Iraq? The answer is, for the most part, no. So what is the purpose of these highly-televised debates that were viewed and scrutinized not only here at home but in countries throughout the world? Since the presidential debates really have little significance in 'flip-flopping' voter response, I think a new format should be considered. The candidates should still go head-to-head, of course, because that always keeps things interesting. However, maybe verbal sparring is not the way to go. So I have come up with an alternative contest consisting of 10 events. A decathlon, if you will, based on the themes of modern television. Winner takes all. Some of the challenges will be relevant to the office of the president, others will just be to see who has the will to tough it out. Take some of the greatest moments from America's game shows and make it entertaining. Politicians will say almost anything to get your vote. Therefore, this off-the-wall competition is as arbitrary as a debate, but it would be a hell of a lot more fun to watch. Event 1: In the field
In this contest, both candidates are sent to Iraq and are integrated into military life. Candidates eat with the troops, sleep with the troops and spend every waking minute doing what the troops do. The candidates will not be asked to participate in hand-to-hand combat. The candidate who stays in Iraq the longest without crying mercy wins. Event 2: History of American Presidents
This contest will be in the format of the classic Nickelodeon game show, "Double Dare." Candidates will be quizzed about former presidents and presidential administrations, and the candidate who answers the most questions correctly wins. If a candidate does not know the answer to a question, he may take the physical challenge and risk getting slimed. Event 3: Foreign Relations
In this event, each candidate will be paired with a government official from a foreign country who is angered after a random American kicked his dog in the butt. The candidate's objective will be to talk with the official and reach an agreement without use of physical force. If anything is thrown or kicked, the candidate is automatically disqualified. Event 4: Pie eating contest.
This contest is self-explanatory. There will be a five-minute time limit. Pies will be blueberry, and that is non-negotiable. Event 5: Spelling Bee
The first person to spell three words incorrectly loses. It may seem inconsequential, but a game of "Jeopardy" might be asking too much. Event 6: Truth telling
Candidates will be hooked up to a polygraph machine and asked questions about their records: Did you serve in the military? Did you vote one way and then later change your vote? What is the real reason we are at war? The candidate with the more truthful reading is the better liar and will be judged the loser. Event 7: Surplus spending
Each candidate will be given $100 and will then be locked inside a candy store. The loser of this contest will receive an additional $100 and will be the candidate who spends the most money. The winner will eat the least amount of Sour Patch Kids. Event 8: Capture the flag
Candidates will be thrown into the woods and compete one-on-one. The winner will be the person who captures the other's flag. Each candidate will be allowed one weapon of mass destruction. Event 9: Trading Spaces
The candidates will switch lives with each other. President Bush will live with Kerry's wife and daughters in the Kerry household and vice versa. The candidate who can last the longest or is judged the sanest at the end of two weeks will be the victor. Event 10: Judge Judy
In the final event, candidates will appear on the television program "Judge Judy." Judy will verbally bash each candidate with her aggressive motherly wit, and, in the end, the good judge will decide who the bigger pansy is. *In the event of a tie, Carrot Top will have the deciding vote.