One-dollar Bob!

Bush. Kerry. Bush. Kerry. Bush. Kerry. Bush. Kerry ...\nFor the last few months, I have vacillated between the two candidates, playing a repetitive game of political teeter-totter in my head. Despite the fact that Election Day is just around the bend and televised debate is now in full throttle, I continue to waver back and forth about who I should choose. It's just such a difficult decision. \nI mean, on one hand, Bush led America into a fictitious war with Iraq despite the fact that Iraq had absolutely nothing do with the 9-11 attacks and was used as a scapegoat to divert attention away from Osama bin Laden. But on the other hand, Kerry looks like a horse. \nOn one hand, Bush's duplicitous religious beliefs and homosexual paranoia are being heinously used as tools of ignorance to try and construct a ban against gay marriage. On the other hand, Kerry looks like a horse. Hmmm. Decisions, decisions ...\nFinally, after much inner deliberation, I made an executive decision. I'm voting for Bob Barker.\nWhile it's true that he isn't technically on the ballet, just think about how much better the nation, and the world for that matter, would be if the United States was run by America's sexiest, most popular, daytime game show host. He'd kick some serious duff. \nFirst of all, he's already got the premise for an excellent "terrorist elimination strategy." Rather than starting some huge war in Iraq or Afghanistan he'd simply cut down on the al Qaeda population by having all terrorists spayed or neutered, thus cutting the problem of terrorism right in the balls. That way, these maniac men will be unable to reproduce and have wild 'n' crazy, bomb-wielding babies. You go Bob!\nSecondly, with B-squared in office, you will never have to worry about a president dying during his term. Bob, after all, is superhuman -- practically indestructible. He's already 143 years old. And that's not even in dog years. Yet, miraculously, he manages to keep on truckin.' He's like the bionic man, only with creepier hair. A vote for Bob would be like a vote for a Samsung DVD player. He's sturdy, dependable and comes with a lifetime guarantee. And, since he is well beyond geezer status, we don't have to worry about him getting a "Lewinsky" either (because the only way he could get that kind of stiffness is if rigor mortis starts to set in).\nHe's already got a fantastic potential running mate too. Rod Rodey! So what if he's dead. Pish posh. You can be completely lifeless with no expression and still run for office. Just look at John Kerry. He's actually a corpse too. If it weren't for his daily cocktail of "Botox and embalming fluid on the rocks," he'd be a heap o' democratic bones by now. \n"But wait a minute," you might be saying. "What about Bob's environmental plans to protect the rainforest?" Well, he's not really gonna do anything about that. But trust me, pollution and acid rain will be the least of your worries while you're sipping on a "tropical" smoothie in your BRAND NEW CONVERTIBLE!\nThis would be his solution to almost every major national problem: giving away free merchandise to distract people from the political issues at hand. It's brilliant. Just think about it. Poor education in school systems? FREE SAILBOATS! Economic recession? FABULOUS NEW ARMOIRES!\nLet's face it. Bob and the oval office ... it's like a glove I tell you. Perfect fit. So stop playing that game of "Political Plinko" in your head. When the day of the big "political showcase showdown" arrives, make the right choice: cast a ballot for the Barkinator. Because pretty soon, televisions all over America will be broadcasting, "Bob Barker! Come on down! You're the next contestant on 'The Prez is right!"