Measuring up to Clinton

If you could have a couple drinks with any living American politician, who would it be? Without hesitation, I would pick Bill Clinton. \nI came to this conclusion after a waking dream about John Kerry. He was on a golf cart, giving his speech about the various socio-economic gaps currently afflicting American society. When he suddenly remarked about the state of things as "bullshit," I woke up, instantly realizing it was a dream because I know John Kerry does not possess the ability to be so candid, nor so emphatic. \nIf he did, he would win the election easily.\nWhen Bill Clinton was president, we all knew he was full of crap -- but at least he made us feel like he really cared. On top of that, he was also a constant source of entertainment. \nJohn Kerry, on the other hand, makes me believe there is a team of hidden CGI technicians working a complex network of pulleys and levers to give his face some emotion like the robots of the "Alien" and "Predator" movie series. \nSimilarly, Kerry's running-mate, John Edwards, plays his part as if he read "Being a Smarmy Southern Politician for Dummies." He has adapted many Clinton mannerisms, including the ever-popular "lip-bite with clenched-fist and thumbs-up" combo, but he just doesn't pull them off like the master. As it stands, Sen. Edwards comes off as that annoying kid in grade school who would sarcastically ingratiate himself to teachers when he would correct a wrong answer by a fellow student.\nDespite these and other contemporary imitations, Clinton's charisma is simply unmatched in American history.\nOnly he could garner such unwavering support from the National Organization for Women in spite of his insatiable need to grope every woman he comes in contact with (except his ice-queen wife). The man is 100 percent testosterone; yet, he is revered by many as if he were the male-incarnate of Gloria Steinem.\nClinton surpasses both Kerry in intellect and Bush in "good-ol'-boy" charm so that he can boil every complex issue down to layman's terms and convince you that his idea is good, in spite of its inherent flaws. \nPerhaps most impressively, he could look you in the face, lie to you when you know he's lying, and still make you want to believe him. \nWho else could gain popularity from being impeached?\nFor these reasons, and the infamous "definition of 'is' is" fiasco -- a statement to which every man who has ever been caught in a lie looks in awe -- there is no other politician alive I'd rather shoot the proverbial breeze with than Clinton.\nRevelry, dirty jokes and stories of life at the top would undoubtedly abound while I could pick the brain of one of the most intelligent and affable men this country has ever put in the Oval Office. \nBush is neither, and what fun is there drinking with a pious man who doesn't drink? \nBut just as with our current president in his first White House bid, Clinton never won a majority of the popular vote in either of his elections (a majority being 50 percent or more). The difference is Clinton supporters loved their candidate, whereas many Bush supporters -- like me -- feel stuck with ours. \nThis, and Clinton's only serious conservative opponent in his eight years was a gnome-like man named "Newt." \nConservatives had no chance.\nAs Jules from Quentin Tarantino's "Pulp Fiction" put it, "personality goes a long way." Because of that personality and little else, Clinton serves as the archetype for all modern Democratic politicians. Unfortunately for Democrats, no one can seem to capture his essence, and therefore they are struggling to take the White House from a man few people like, fewer people love and many people hate.\nIf Clinton could run for president again, he would win -- and, this time, win big. \nThank God for the 22nd Amendment.