Death by umbrella

My umbrella is possessed. In my defense, I had no way of knowing it until Monday's storm. I mean, I had never even heard of such a thing as an evil umbrella, so the thought that mine would fall into that category seemed preposterous.\nIt all started Monday morning when I exited my building into the storm. This was my first time using my new umbrella, seeing as how I purchased it specifically for rainy college days such as this one.\nI must explain that this is not just an ordinary umbrella. It has a really cool button on the handle that, when pressed, either pops the thing open or collapses it.\nSo, running a bit late for class, I hopped outside, pushed the button and was prepared to be amazed. Nothing happened. So I fiddled with it for a while, trying to open it manually, but it just wouldn't stay open.\nBy this point, I was substantially late for class and had no alternative, so I did what I'm sure any one of you would have done: I tried to cover myself with a limp umbrella.\nI'm sure I looked ridiculous, and I'm pretty sure I would have been better off just running to class. Nonetheless, I made it to class on time, only mildly soaked. So it wasn't such a big deal.\nAfter class I had a new determination to master my umbrella. I had decided, "Hey, I'm a smart enough kid to fix whatever's wrong with it." So I exited Ballantine Hall and tried the button one more time to see if I could find the problem.\nIt opened perfectly.\nNow, the events up to this point did not imply that my umbrella was evil, just a little defective. But that was about to change.\nWithout giving it another thought, I started on my way to Wright food court for some breakfast. When I was about halfway there, the stupid umbrella decided to collapse.\nBut of course it didn't just collapse. \nNo, it slammed shut on my face. Imagine the visual. I'm on a path walking with hundreds of other people with normal umbrellas when mine suddenly grabs my head. \nI couldn't get the thing off of me.\nI began to panic a bit (you would have too if you were attacked by an inanimate object), so naturally I began making some muffled pleas for help.\nLooking back, that's probably the most embarrassing part. Picture walking by some kid who's muttering inaudible phrases with an umbrella on his head. It wasn't a pretty sight.\nAfter I calmed down a little bit, I untangled my hair from the evil device and continued my trek, looking around quickly to see if anyone had seen what I had just gone through.\nAt this point, I didn't know what to do with the umbrella. For some reason (evil powers, maybe?) I didn't want to throw it away. I guess I figured that there's some way to fix it so I wouldn't have to buy a new one.\nAfter careful considerations, I've decided that these solutions include, but are not limited to, holding a séance to remove the evil spirit or throwing the umbrella in a large body of water to see if it floats (think: Salem witch trial.)\nThe problem is that I just don't have the time. \nSo until an opportunity arises, I will simply keep it stored in the back of my closet and try to appease its every wish so that tomorrow's top headline doesn't read: "Student suffocated in bed by umbrella."\nAlso, if anyone has any suggestions, feel free to e-mail me. I'm always open to new ideas when it comes to evil umbrellas.