The first Fourth

While poking around the library the other day, I found an old parchment stuffed in a book of 18th century customs records. On examination, I realized I had discovered one of the most important documents in American history: a transcript of the first Fourth of July celebration.\nThe author is unknown, but on July 4, 1777, the founding fathers held a secret meeting somewhere in Virginia at an "estate renowned for a pool of bluest water gracing the back garden." There they had "a most genial time in their discourses and feasted upon victuals roasted over an iron grill."\nThus, to honor our country's upcoming 228th birthday, I have published the text here. Sadly, it is incomplete. Nevertheless, I believe it will enrich the story of our nation's origins.\n(John Adams has undertaken the roasting.)\nAlexander Hamilton: Mmm, meat's looking good, John.\nJohn Adams: Thanks.\nThomas Jefferson: Perhaps you should let me have a turn at the roasting?\nHamilton: Naw, leave him alone. We're better off with only one roast-meister.\nJefferson: But it is too much to entrust to one man! Shall all the meat be done to merely one man's liking? Why, each man should be in charge of his own roasting!\nHamilton: What's the matter, TJ? Not dark enough?\nJefferson: What was that?\nThomas Paine: Hey fellas, look what Ben Franklin sent me from Paris! It came with a note that reads "For Your Amusement -- Ben." (Opens a wooden box.)\nHamilton: What is it? Sex toys?\nPaine: No, it's firecrackers! You light them and they explode!\nAll: Cool!\nAdams: Ooh! Light that small black tab! It looks deadly! \nPaine: OK. (Lights it.) There it goes! … And it's going! … And it's, uh, sort of an ash snake.\nHamilton: Oh man, that was weak! Try another.\nPaine: (Lights a small red ball.) It's, uh, smoking.\nHamilton: (Cough, cough.) You think?\nJefferson: Damn these abominable firecrackers! Are there none that explode?\nPaine: Hmmm … These ones pop when you pull the string … And these ones crack when thrown against cobble stones…\nHamilton: Hey, look, a cigar!\nPaine: Naw, that one doesn't look cool … Wonder what this does? (Holds a thin iron rod over the flame.) Wow! Look at it spark! I'm going to run around the yard with it! (Hands the box to Hamilton.)\nAdams: Be careful, Tom!\nPaine: Ow! My eye!\nAdams: That Tom Paine, no common sense.\nGeorge Washington: Hi guys! Sorry I'm late! I had to, like, fight a war.\nHamilton: No prob. Here George, have a cigar.\nWashington: Thanks! (Lights the cigar.)\nCigar: BOOM!\nWashington: Ow! My teef! Na ah'm gonna havta geh wuddin teef!\nAll: Ha! Ha!\nWashington: Hamiltuh, ya are a dih!\nAll: Ha! Ha!\nSamuel Adams: Hi everyone!\nAll: Sam!\nPaine: Sam, did you bring the beer?\nSamuel Adams: Actually, I brought something better! My latest invention: the wine cooler! Here, try one! (Hands them out. The others drink.) So, what do you think?\nAll: (Silence.)\nSamuel Adams: Well, do you like them? They're strawberry-kiwi flavored!\nJefferson: It's very … um … sweet.\nSamuel Adams: I knew you'd like them! My daughter Sicily loves them. So much so that we've taken to calling them "Sissy drinks."\nJohn Adams: OK, everybody, soup's on!\nHamilton: First, one more firecracker! (Removes a firecracker from the box.)\nPaine: Hey, what's that say on the side?\nHamilton: Hmmm … "'M' and four-score." Here Tom, hold it while I light it.\n(Parchment ends.)