S-string diva

I always knew I hated L.A.\nFor the longest time I suffered to put words to my emotions, to translate that taste of regurgitated fried eggs and apples I would experience every time someone mentioned the city's name.\nYet by my sword, Tom LaBonge has changed all of that for me. The fog has been lifted and there is now truth, light and direction. \nI hate L.A. because L.A. hates silly string.\nThe Associated Press reported Sunday that Los Angeles Councilman LaBonge is working to ban the use of silly string on Halloween. Initially desiring to create an all encompassing ban of the substance, he must have realized that the extent of his hate would be too readily noticed. His demon advisers thusly cajoled him into tempering his decision as he lies in wait to rid Hollywood of cotton candy and baby bunny rabbits for his next phase in destroying all things "happy."\nTo be fair, the man does have his reasons. According to Heir Councilman, silly string has been known to -- gasp -- clog storm drains and endanger marine life even before repelling us down into the abyss. As a coup de gras, the substance under fire has been known to "endanger police, particularly those on horseback."\nNo wonder all the cop dramas take place in New York.\nPerhaps he was the victim of one too many T.P. raids on his estate, perhaps he is sensitive to neon, or maybe, just maybe he's never been kissed. Whatever the cause, this man suffers from the Los Angeles infirmity, the deadly virus that convinces you and your loved ones that you are indeed important. You desire to create your own utopia of delusion and force those around you to bend to your will because you are the enlightened child-Buddha.\nHollywood has long held a reputation for being frivolously cause-driven. Each starlet hoping to absolve their sins of excess by campaigning to save the malnourished chinchillas of northern Uzbekistan, each would-be model refusing to eat non-biodegradable tofu and now this politician's personal war against party favors contribute to the overall moral confusion that is the West Coast.\nThe sad reality is that there was a time when such actions would be laughed at by we, the normies -- those of us who live a life separated from fame and dreams of becoming best friends with Ron Howard. However, suddenly we've participated in our own Californication of sorts, buying into their confused ideals and actually seeing the logic behind oxygen bars, low-carb coca-cola and botox. \nWe have bought the image with our souls. Where America was once apple pie, it's now an apple martini made with french vodka. All the while we're whistling dixie, trying to turn country into pop and sell T-shirts picturing Che Guevara for $50.\nAnd LaBonge's ban will probably go through. And there will be one more reason for kids to stay indoors and play Xbox rather than trick-or-treat. And all because in L.A., nothing comes before the sanctity of their storm drains and one's councilman's attempt to make a name for himself in the city of image. \nThey may have money and looks, but dammit, no body's gonna' take away my silly string.