Recently, I happened to stumble across some rejected Ann Landers letters, notes that she did not deem worthy enough of her reply. Let's just say I found them on the side of the road somewhere. For those of you who are not familiar with her work, she is a step above our "Help Me Harlan." \nI tossed the letters on the floor and didn't think anything about them for a long time. A couple of days ago, I was looking for bathroom reading when I saw the letters just sitting there on the floor. I started to think of all these people who were waiting around, checking their local papers and not getting any advice or sign of reply. So then I thought, well if George W. Bush can run the country, I can sure as heck fire give a few words of encouragement to some needy people. Ann would thank me, probably at the end of one of her response letters in some small Delaware newspaper several years from now.
Dear Ann: The other day I was having a lunch interview with the VP of a large, reputable company. I was dressed in a nice dark suit and striped tie; we were at an upscale restaurant in the city and everything was going great. That is until, I noticed this thing hanging from his nose. It started to make me nauseous, but I just couldn't say anything. I thought he wouldn't have hired me if I told him he had a huge booger stuck to his face. What should I have done? -- Disgusted Danny\nDanny: Some might say you did the right thing in keeping quiet, but most wouldn't. If someone or something is truly bothering you and you are able to explain this in a somewhat pleasant manner, by all means do it. If I were you, I would've quit before I was even hired. There's no way I could work under those conditions, but that's just me.
Dear Ann: A couple weeks ago the cable went out at our house, so I called the cable repairman. The following week he came over while I was at work and fixed the reception and even gave us free Showtime as a nice gesture, at least, that's what my wife said. The other day I found the cable man's hat in the bathroom and my neighbor told me he saw a cable van in front of our house twice last week. Then yesterday, I came home to he and my wife talking in the bedroom. She said she was upset and needed someone to talk to. I usually talk to the mailman, so I didn't think much of it. But now our cable's out again and I don't know if it would be impolite to call again. -- Peter the Worrier\nPeter: Get another cable provider, or better yet, just forget about TV for a while.
Dear Ann: The elderly lady next door always seems to catch me at the perfect time to help her carry her groceries and shopping bags inside. It's not that much of a problem, until I get stuck listening to her talk for hours on end about nothing. I wouldn't mind so much if she told more amusing stories or if she didn't always talk about Tom Selleck, but I just can't take it anymore. You're an old woman, help me. -- Nice Betty\nBetty: Allow me to borrow some inspiring words from the wise Jack Handey. "When you're walking around, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something with you. That way when someone asks if you can give them a hand, you can say, 'Sorry, I got these two sacks.'"
Dear Ann: I live with my wife and my teenage son. He's a good kid, very nice, pretty good in school, a real go-getter. Not too long ago, for some reason unknown to me, he called me Karen. I was confused, but thought nothing of it. But day after day he kept calling me that name. I told him it wasn't funny and even threatened to suspend his allowance. Nothing's doing it. Is he just being a joker or do I need to put my foot down? -- Super Dad\nKaren: My guess is it's just a phase. It may take a while until he gets past it, but I assure you it will not last forever. I called my uncle Pam for six months. Maybe you should start doing more dad things with him, like playing catch, shooting hoops or wrestling. Well, maybe not that last one. If that doesn't work, perhaps you should consider changing your name. Karen is not reserved for women alone.
Dear Ann: Your columns are boring, uninspired, unsubstantiated and you always say the same stuff every time. You're never helpful, not even slightly funny at any given moment and the only people who read your column are bedridden housewives. I think you should retire immediately and throw in the towel while you still have a chance. -- Surly\nSir Lee: I will be sure to give her the message. Keep reading.
