Pontiff-icating

Last Friday, a group of American bishops, including the bishop of Indianapolis, were warned by the Pope that American society is "increasingly in danger of forgetting its spiritual roots and yielding to a purely materialistic and soulless vision of the world" (The Associated Press, May 28). His Holiness instructed the bishops "to confront directly the widespread spirit of agnosticism and relativism which has cast doubt on reason's ability to know the truth, which alone satisfies the human heart's restless quest for meaning."\nYeah, I don't know what that means, either. But to help us understand this problem, I "interviewed" "Dr. Nick Scratch," visiting "scholar" in religious studies from the "University of Malebolge." The interview has been transcribed below.\nMcFillen: Dr. Scratch, thank you for agreeing to do this interview. \nDr. Scratch: Thank you for summoning me here. I'm always concerned about the state of souls in America.\nMc: What exactly is the Pope saying when he claims American society is "forgetting its spiritual roots" and becoming "soulless"?\nDr. S: Well, obviously, Americans are turning their backs on spirituality, on faith, on the traditional values of their forefathers.\nMc: But how so? In a 2000 study of 65 countries, political scientists Ronald Inglehart and Wayne Baker found that the United States had the most traditional set of values of all advanced industrial countries. According to the 1981 and 1990 World Values Surveys, out of 20 countries from five continents, our country was in the top three regarding belief in God, belief in the existence of sin, church attendance…\nDr. S: But there's more to spirituality than church attendance. Quantity doesn't denote quality. For some countries, the parishioners are so devout that services are conducted in languages people don't even use, dead languages. Religion loses its mystery when you actually know what the priest is saying. \nMc: So, do you agree with the Pope's statement that we're losing our soul to materialism?\nDr. S.: Oh yes, Americans are so materialistic. Might I use you as an example?\nMc: Go ahead.\nDr. S: At the end of the day, when you get home to your apartment and sit in your La-Z-Boy and listen to CDs, you have nothing except your own comfort in mind. However, when the Pope gets back to his 1,000-room palace and sits on his 24-karat gold throne and listens to some choir that traveled 8,000 miles to sing to him, he's doing it for the greater glory of God. You see, you must look beyond material things.\nMc: So what can we do to reclaim America's soul?\nDr. S.: The heart of faith is trust. America must learn to trust religious authorities. The United States doesn't even have a national church.\nMc: But that's part of the whole freedom of religion thing ...\nDr. S: Pish tosh! You want a country with real faith? Look at Iran.\nMc: But their government's a brutal theocracy! They sponsor terrorists! \nDr. S: Please, they're holy warriors -- and what's an occasional drubbing by secret police compared to the contentment of having real, unquestioning faith in one's spiritual leaders? America has lost that. \nMc: How do we get it back?\nDr. S: It will be a slow process. I recommend starting with a gesture of good will. Why not send a special delegation to the Vatican? Say, 1,000 choir boys with gold chalices full of scented oils? That should grease the wheels a bit.\nMc: Thank you, doctor. Um, what's that smell? Rotten eggs?\nDr. S: Oops, gotta' go. I've got a 2 o'clock tee time.