Superior Asian guys

When trying to explain the dearth of Asians in American television and movies, a friend suggested it is less because of racism and more due to Asian cultural values, encouraging education rather than entertainment. That may be true, but the more I thought about it, the more I was haunted by the possibility that Asian people simply aren't cut out for acting, singing or dancing. Perhaps there is something in our genes that turns us into doctors, scientists and business people and not entertainers or athletes.\nI've started to do some research on the issue, and I now realize there's mounting evidence race is indeed an important factor in determining one's ability. \nIn his 2000 book "Taboo: Why Black Athletes Dominate Sports and Why We're Afraid to Talk About It," John Entine convincingly showed blacks dominate sprints because of genetics. He pointed out all 40 finalists from the last five 100-meter men's Olympic finals were of West-African descent, as were the holders of 494 of the all-time top 500 times in that event. "The decisive variable is in our genes," Entine wrote. He also noted blacks have "a higher percentage of fast-twitch muscles and more anaerobic enzymes, which can translate into more explosive energy." But the most convincing evidence was provided by USC graduate O.J. Simpson who said blacks are built for speed. "Skinny calves, long legs, high asses are all characteristics of blacks."\nEntine also proved Asian people are horribly ill-equipped physiologically for sprints.\n"There are also no elite sprinters of note from Asia, which has 57 percent of the world's population even with the Confucius and Tao traditions of discipline and an authoritarian sports system in the most populous country, China," Entine wrote.\nRather than fret over Asian deficiencies, I have decided to focus on a discipline at which Asians are clearly genetically superior -- hot dog eating. In 2001, Japan's Takeru Kobayashi shocked the world by absorbing a world-record 50 hot dogs in 12 minutes at the annual Fourth of July hot dog eating contest at Coney Island. Kobayashi's current record of 50.5 hot dogs set in 2002 is an overwhelming 66 percent greater than the non-Asian record of 30.5. In fact, six of the last seven winners have been Japanese, including the last four, and in 2000 the top three finishers (none of whom were the great Kobayashi) were Japanese.\n"This is one of the most American foods in a most American place on an American holiday. So why can't an American win?" pondered contest spokesman Rich Shea in an Associated Press story.\nThe decisive variable is in our genes. I have determined this after doing research for my new book "GIVE IT UP: Why Asian People Dominate Hot Dog Eating and Why You Should Forget Trying to Compete with Them."\nAsian people are built for hot dog eating -- small eyes for concentration, small synaptic gaps between neurons for more efficient hand-eye-mouth coordination. \nAsians also have stronger throat muscles for more explosive swallowing and more enzymes that break down whatever the hell is in a hot dog. Once you examine the differences in performance and biology between races, there is no denying the genetic component in Asians is superior for hot dog eating.\nNow that I have realized where my real talents lie, I have decided to give up on my potential journalism career to train full-time as a professional hot dog eater. On my first trial run, I puked after just five Oscar Mayer Wieners, but I know better than to feel discouraged. Eventually, my Asianness will manifest itself and I will fulfill my destiny as the greatest hot dog eater ever.