Help me, Harlan!

Dear Harlan, \nI am 22 years old, single and very desperate. \nWell, I've only been looking since the Super Bowl, but I plan to continue to look for something exciting in sports until March Madness begins. See, from the conclusion of the Super Bowl until the madness, nothing exciting is taking place in sports. Every major sport is either in its dreadful middle-of-the-season stretch, or simply in the offseason. \nI apologize Harlan, but my boredom since the conclusion of the Super Bowl has me watching re-runs of "Full House" on Nick at Nite. \nOkay, I was watching those anyway, but the point is, from now until March Madness, I am going to need help finding stories -- and not just any stories. I need a hot story.\nI pledge to you, I've been searching everywhere. I sought out all the places hot stories would hang out, like any of the five major sports, and I found zilch. I don't want you to think I'm lazy and incapable of locating something hot, so here is a detailed report of my search. \nI started in the NBA and even though the All-Star game selections were announced, the hottest story lately has been Shaq's tirade of the officials after the Lakers' win in Toronto. Shaq was tearing apart the referees for taking over games and not allowing the stars to shine. Shaq, you're a 53 percent free-throw shooter, I wouldn't think you'd want the refs on your side.\nThen I saw Eddie Griffin is back in jail... Again. And again, I declined that story idea. But thanks for the effort, Eddie. \nBesides, the NBA's regular season seems to be a prolonged process of waiting for the Lakers to heal and win yet another league crown. \nThe other sport about to hit its mid-season pause is hockey -- whose playoffs I love, but its regular season ... Are you kidding? Win a third of your games, have your goalie get hot and enjoy the Stanley Cup. Or, if you're Detroit, try and 'Yankee' your way to the Cup.\nEither way, possibly the most thrilling playoff sport may have the most dull regular season. All right, fine. I'm bitter because my Blackhawks are quite possibly the most pathetic sports franchise. Regardless, I'll wait till the playoffs to get extremely excited about hockey.\nBaseball, even though it's in its off-season, can create rather large stories. But honestly, since the death of the A-Rod trade talks, the hot stove has been rather cool. The pitchers and catchers report in a few weeks, but unless David Wells has a new book coming out, it'll be quiet until spring training. \nAnd even so, you can't blame baseball for its dullness since this time is the offseason. So really, from now until spring training, we'll all wait to see who Georgie Boy will buy -- I mean find to replace -- injured (guard) Aaron Boone, who hurt himself playing pickup basketball. \nTruthfully, the only chance of sports excitement we have until March Madness is watching schools beat each other to a pulp trying to earn a spot for the most thrilling three weeks of sports of the entire year. \nUnless you fit the label of my favorite sports term, a bubble team, a loss here or there is truly insignificant when it comes to your Final Four run. I think we (IU nation) should know, if you get hot at the end, anything is possible. \nAt this point in the season, experts are beginning to pick their Final Four teams at a time when it's nearly impossible to predict next week's No. 1 team. So, from now until Selection Sunday, relax when your team loses and calm down when they win. It's a long road to the Final Four and we have yet to warm up the car.\nWIth UConn looking dominant, then not so, then dominant again all I've learned about the this year in college basketball is not to get between coach Knight and his water chestnuts. \nSo Harlan, it's evident that my struggle to find excitement in sports is not due to my lack of effort. Each year, from the Super Bowl until that special time in March, my boredom sees no bounds. \nFrom one Cohen to another, I beg for your help. \nBut please, don't think I'm a story slut, I just like to write around.